What the heck have they been smoking?

By Mukomana We Kuseri

To be honest, l am starting to think that l am the only angry person here. Maybe those in the main house are eating and nhamo irikungotambira kuno seri?

Because come on people, why did l not see enough people angered by the drivel that was spewed by our millionaire prophets, Messrs Magaya and Makandiwa?

So, 2016 will be a year of abundance, will it? Really? With the drought that is coming and a government that cannot pay salaries, you suddenly want us to think that things will be better?

I mean honestly, who are we kidding here?

Where will this bumpering come from, if l may ask? Explain it slowly because some of us are not educated. No PhDs here, be it those of the learned variety of the prophet healing and deliverance kind. Not even the fake ones, and no, I never said Dr Amai’s is fake, even though it is not jinyuwini.

Kuda kutidherera manje. Why do these people feel like they can just show up and suddenly start offering prophesies? Technology will be key?! Boy! Technology has been key since Zinjanthropithicus or whatever his name was thought of using a rock to crush his pistachios or whatever.

And if they must prophesy, why not use it for useful stuff? Like kuti when are the rains coming, so that people do not waste mbeu like they did this year. Or when will electricity be on tomorrow, useful things that I can use.

Not this rubbish about bumper harvest.

This is pie in the sky chicanery calculated to keep us docile while they sup with the devil. Kutivhara kumeso vachidhla.

I mean, did Magaya not spend $50,000 to buy a book that claims to be a biography of Dr Amai? $50,000?!! To buy lies? Because we know her biography: “I was a secretary then l slept with my married boss and drove his wife to an early grave and now you are all my captives”. That is her biography, but l will bet you the $50,000 that l do not have but wish l had that you will not find that in the book that Magaya bought.

Bumper year my foot! Maybe for them, with their fake miracles, the ones like what Norbet Mafumhe Mutasa calls in his book Mapatya “mashura emanyepo”. Fake miracles.

One claims that he even got confirmation from TB Joshua! Yeah, so that must be right then, after all, the great TB Joshua has prophesied everything from Mourinho’s sacking to the moon landings. Only his prophesies come after the fact! Did you hear the one about how he prophesied the death of Nimr al Nimr? Not yet? Just wait, you will. As did everyone with access to court records in a dictatorship but then again I digress.

They want us to be docile so that they can buy each other’s books. So that if we do not get this bumper harvest we must think it is because we didn’t pay our tithes. It will be a bumper harvest alright, for them!

So I ask again, why am I the only one angry about this?

Surely there must be people that can pray for our prophetic healing and deliverance from these pests? Who can banish these demons? Regai hangu ndipinde mumweya. “Madhimoni ehumbavha tinoaraira nezita raJeso! Demons of thieving and robbing we admonish you in the name of Jesus! Sindaravarava kashinda, hindaravarava kashinda, sindaravakasha! 46 no, 66 hello, connection haina join Ishe! Sindaravakasha! How the jana sti for the manda be for the keshen sindaravakadhinda! Holy Spirit! Holy Spirit!”

I mean come on! People of where? Vanhu vepi? Why are you silent? How can we remain calm in the face of this angering rubbish? Sindaravakasha!

Why am I the only angry person here?

Mukomana We Kuseri