Zimbabwe is a nation living through a political horror movie written as slapstick comedy. Each week brings new plot twists, fresh actors, and louder stupidity, but this past week outperformed itself.
It was the week our ruling elite demonstrated—boldly, proudly, and without shame—that governance in Zimbabwe has been fully outsourced to clowns, mercenaries, coke-fuelled tenderpreneurs, and a President who believes tobacco is a public health miracle.
Let us recap.
THE PROPHET OF PAID ANALYSIS: LUMUMBA RISES AGAIN
Gerald Mutumanje, alias Acie Lumumba — Zimbabwe’s freelance mouth-for-hire — re-emerged to perform his national duty: polishing Mnangagwa’s shoes with his tongue while narrating fake economic miracles.
He unveiled “ten-figure tobacco earnings” supposedly flowing into Zimbabwe after Mnangagwa commissioned Simon Rudland’s processing plant.
Ten figures! A dazzling pile of theoretical wealth — the kind that collapses if you ask,
“So how much does the farmer get?”
The answer?
One extra U.S. dollar per kilogram.
Yes. After all the hype, the economic revolution is the price of a cheap Mazoe.
Meanwhile, the President, who was expected to at least pretend to understand value addition, instead invited a random man to testify that smoking is safe because his friend puffed 35 cigarettes a day and lived to 116.
And from this, Mnangagwa declared: “You heard him! Go ye out and smoke!”
Just like that, public health was downgraded to street folklore, and tobacco became the new national vitamin.
Lumumba did the PR.
Mnangagwa did the village comedy.
And the tobacco farmer is still broke.
G20: WHERE TRANSPARENCY IS A TURN-OFF
Lumumba’s next target was Vice President Chiwenga, whom he mocked for attending the G20 Summit on behalf of Mnangagwa.
His reasoning was brutally simple: G20 is a non-event because it has no tenders, no brown envelopes, no off-the-book transactions, and no opportunity to “cook numbers.”
In other words: Too clean for Mnangagwa.
So the President delegated the task to Chiwenga — whom Lumumba claimed only went for the buffet, and whom he suggested thought “G20” was the name of a new whisky.
He added that this was Chiwenga’s “last supper” before being fired.
But this is Zimbabwe. Rumours spread faster than reforms. And Lumumba, who has been wrong more times than the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission, still sells gossip as prophecy.
THE UNIFORM RETURNS — AND SO DOES THE FEAR
When Chiwenga returned from the allegedly tender-free G20 Summit, he wasted no time delivering his real message.
He appeared at the CDF handover ceremony wearing full military regalia.
It was not fashion.
It was not nostalgia.
It was a declaration.
A quiet, unambiguous reminder to Mnangagwa: “I am not your subordinate. I am your threat. Try firing me. I dare you.”
Beside him stood Sanyatwe — another retired general, another battle-hardened ally.
The 2030 Brigade, Oppah Muchinguri, and all presidential loyalists reportedly shifted in their seats. Chiwenga gave Mnangagwa a firm double handed handshake – very symbolic.
You do not shake a man’s hand with both your hands, looking straight in their eyes – unless you are asserting some measure of authority over that man.
When political power wavers, uniforms speak.
And Chiwenga spoke loudly.
THE BILLIONAIRE BUFFOONERY: TAGWIREI AND HIS COCAINE CHOIR
Lumumba then turned his mercenary mouth on Kuda Tagwirei — the billionaire puppet-master who buys crowds with money and destroys them with his speeches.
Lumumba mocked Tagwirei’s dancing, his public speaking, his intellect—essentially confirming what Zimbabweans already know:
The First Family hires simple minds to loot on their behalf.
Sakupwanya, Nguwaya, Chivayo, Chimuka, Mpofu, Chimombe — it is a league of obedient dullards.
Then Lumumba’s bitterness overflowed into full soap opera theatre.
He accused Scott Sakupwanya of snorting half the country’s cocaine supply and distributing the rest.
This is the same Sakupwanya who allegedly took Lumumba’s wife — so the punches landed with extra marital venom.
He also targeted Pokello — Mnangagwa Jr’s polygamous second wife — dismissing her as a flashy gold-digger burning stolen money while contributing nothing to ZANU PF.
In any other country, these would be scandals.
In Zimbabwe, they are Tuesdays.
THE BIGGER TRUTH: A REGIME CRACKING FROM WITHIN
Strip away the comedy, and a darker picture emerges:
Mnangagwa is trying to cling beyond his constitutional term.
Chiwenga is signalling readiness for battle.
Tagwirei is buying loyalty in cash.
Junior Mnangagwa is funding side-chicks with stolen gold.
Lumumba is attacking everyone except the person paying him this week.
Zimbabwe is not being governed.
Zimbabwe is being looted by men who fear each other more than they fear the people.
While they prepare for succession war, they tell citizens to “go ye out and smoke.”
No government with this level of stupidity deserves satire.
But since they insist on performing, we must insist on reviewing the show.
And what a show it was.
A week of weaponised stupidity — performed by men who run a country but cannot run a thought.
