Dear Reader, It was in 2030 and the second dispensation had delivered a new goat-driven modern economy for all. I was in a luxurious 7-star hotel in Harare with fine whisky, apples, and a book just to remind people that I was still an active professor.
The waiter asked me whether I wanted soft goat cheese or crumbled goat cheese. Reader, it was a new menu, built on the vision of the second dispensation.
I immediately said ‘The soft one’. However, my brother, Dumakwezulu Dumakwezulu with a refined palate interrupted, ‘No no Mutape this is too cheap and for the old dispensation. The crumbled one is much more expensive, nice, and tart’.
The new goat-driven market was firing from all cylinders. A result of the Dear Leader’s vision to have goats for all by 2030. Dear Leader, of the Shumba (Lion) totem, was now called the Greatest of All Time (the G.O.A.T).
Even at the state house, the menu had changed. The cow dairy products had been replaced by the goat dairy products. There was now goat yoghurt, cheese in all colours from green to white, and French double cream cheese.
Even the supermarkets, your Pick ‘n Pay, OK, tuckshops, and informal markets shelves were packed with goat products. Vendors could be seen dropping goat products at Mbare market in the early mornings.
One could find soft and hard labneh, yoghurt, halloumi, and double cream yummy cheese. It was a new goat economy.
Even the world’s top exporters of goat meat like Oman, Thailand, and Australia were sending delegates after delegates to learn about the success of our new goat economy.
We were well led by the undisputed G.O.A.T (Greatest of All Time). Of Fadzayi Mahere’s ‘We need new leaders’ was now a thing of the past.
The Zimbabwean children were the healthiest on the continent. They had no malnutrition as goat milk and yogurt were flowing from taps in every home.
To the adults who loved mathumbu and maguru akamonwa (tripe and intestines stew), it was Christmas every day. Medical experts had been roped in to remind us that our Dear Leader was a visionary.
We were bombarded with jingles on how healthy goat milk was. We were told it was good for the body because it had little cholesterol and allergens. In addition, we were told goat milk had no lactose hence it was easy to digest.
On a long journey to the village, the goat ‘chimukuyu’ (dried meat) was now our favourite. When we got to the village, we would still get a dish of sizzling goat meat stew. Yes, the medical professionals told us that goat meat had less fat and more iron than beef.
The pastors were not to be left behind as they reminded Zimbabwe how Abraham used to breed and herd goats in Genesis. Abraham the prophet was said to have led the way.
Even Proverbs 27:27 was revoked which predicted that ‘there will be goats’ milk enough for your food, for the food of your household, and sustenance for your maidens’. We were even told God was in it hence there was no more need for an opposition party.
The historians were not to be left behind as they counter-claimed that goats were the first milk-producing animal to be domesticated around 8,000 BC somewhere in present-day Iran.
Well, the economists were happy because we were earning foreign currency by exporting our goat products. We had joined the world’s sheep and goat trade of US$1.9 Billion a year.
Sanctions were now an issue of the past. Even Americans had removed the sanctions for the love of our goat meat. Remember the British ‘used to cry’ for Zimbabwe beef. This time it was goat meat. Thanks to the G.O.A.T’s vision, everyone rallied.
Some financial experts even argued that it was time to turn from a Gold-Backed Currency to a Goat Backed Currency. When the vote went to Parliament, the support for a newly minted goat-backed currency was overwhelming across parties.
Reader, almost every family now had a goat farm across the length and breadth of Zimbabwe. It was a goat farm here and a goat farm there. A ‘meh, meh’ here and a ‘meh meh’ there.
Even this writer had five goats with the idea of producing only French cheese to add to his fine whisky and apple diet to keep the brain working in old age. Ko ndini ndaizodii (What would I do?) in a new goat economy for all.
How could this fail when the G.O.A.T had ordered 632 001 goats. The goats had multiplied by two every year over ten years. This meant there were more than 12 million goats for Zimbabwe’s 16.6 million population before subtracting those reserved for annual trade and consumption.
But how exactly did the vision start? Remember, the G.O.A.T had a goat for all vision by 2030. For that vision to be realised a contract valued at an astronomical US$ 87 757 168.00 was signed in 2021, with well-known predatory hyenas from the old dispensation, to supply and deliver 632 001 goats over five years.
Others cautioned the G.O.A.T that one could not trust hyenas to buy and deliver goats. However, everyone was told it was now a new dispensation and that after all the program was being run by the Government’s best Minister.
We were reassured that it was a new era where bygones were bygones and hyenas could now be at peace with the goats.
It reminded some of us about Baba Harare’s song. He ironically sang, ‘…ndakaona sipo yechigeza’ (I saw the soap bathing)… ‘ndakaona gonzo rechiwainira kiti’ (I saw a rat twerking for the cat)…’ndakaona bhawa rakadhakwa’ (I saw the bar drunk). It was as good as sending the goat to buy sweet cabbage.
Reader, have you ever dreamt of waking up from a dream. That is how I felt when I woke up to reality this morning. The whole nation was crying for our goats. Everyone wanted to know what had happened to the greatest dream of all time.
The investigator has now told us that the goats were never delivered. Never mind that the G.O.A.T (Greatest of All Time) had trusted the hyenas with 40 million dollars as a deposit. The money meant for the people was used to buy luxurious houses and vehicles.
Can you believe that the hyenas had claimed to run a company called Blackdeck Livestock and Poultry Farming? Since when on earth did hyenas start running livestock and poultry farms? It emerged that there is no company registered as Blackdeck Livestock and Poultry Farming in Zimbabwe.
People from all walks of life are mourning for their goats. ‘Bring them to justice’, everyone is screaming. People forget hyenas even steal their food from the Lions (Shumba).
It seems even some lion cubs who are in the game of scavenging from hyena killings since the second dispensation have also been dribbled. However, the hyenas detect danger by scent and from the noise made by other predators.
They have already retreated to faraway lands. Yet hyenas in their different predatory forms remain the most tolerated and celebrated species in the rotten state of Zimbabwe. Reader, surely pigs might fly before Zimbabweans eat goat cheese.
