By Ivy Chibanda
Nine years later, with vivid memories lingering, she narrates her ordeal about what she went through at that time. There are scars on her body that remind her of the man she used to love dearly but had the weirdest way of showing his love to her.
Although the wounds have healed, the emotional scars will never heal, she still is traumatised. “Why didn’t she run?” is what we are quick to ask but when we are in abusive relationships, at times we do not realise it, we think it is love, even defending the perpetrators of abuse with statements like kuchengera rudo or ulobukhwele. Nandi, was abused by her fiancé 9 years ago and she narrates her story:
“I was 21 years old and was engaged to a man I thought loved me so much. He would treat me well at times but at times I was always beaten for things I didn’t even know about. He made me feel inferior. He made me believe that I was not worthy of even his love, if I left him no one would take a second glance at me.
“I believed him, I was so young and naive and he used to support me financially so I thought what he said to me made sense. Being born in a family of five, with my father being an army officer, having seven mouths to feed, I felt this was a break through as he offered to pay my college fees.
“His issues with me were either I was disrespecting him or guys were staring at me. The other time he beat me because a man who was driving past the robots had stared at me through the window. He even beat me when other guys would tell him he had a beautiful girlfriend.
“So he would beat me because I had to answer as to why those men were staring at me. I couldn’t keep long hair because he would pull it and hurt me. The last time he beat me, he tied my hands at the back with tan boot shoe laces and when I screamed he put a rag in my mouth. That day, he told me straight that he wanted to kill me.
“The day I called of the engagement, I woke up in the hospital. I got a wake-up call when he broke my ribs. After telling him it’s over, he made my life even more difficult to bear. He came to our house and demanded everything he had bought for me.
“He said ‘To be what you are, it’s because of me.’ So he took everything and I was left with nothing to wear. After taking all my clothes, he would come and wait for me where I was attached and he would beat me up in front of people.
“You might be thinking why didn’t you report, but I did. Believe you me, the police said they didn’t give peace orders to people who do not stay together, and besides, they said we women are the ones who start the fights, so I had no case.
“My father went to his place to warn him and lied to him they had got a peace order from the police so he had to stay away. That made matters worse, he came the following day and told me that a peace order was just a piece of paper and he wasn’t afraid thus he was also going to take a peace order against me. He beat me again, saying that my father was disrespectful, he didn’t like the way he had spoken to him.
“It took me a year to really rub him off. We kept going in circles, he was always stalking me. It haunts me up to now and I am never comfortable being in the places I used to go with him. It has also changed the way I see men, one way or the other, I never fail to find fault in them.
“I think as women, we have a problem of thinking we can change men. I think early marriages contribute a great deal to abuse, when a girl is young and she does not know how to handle such issues she becomes vulnerable. Even mature women are finding themselves in situations that they were made to believe they can’t stand on their own. My advice to every woman who is in an abusive relationship is RUN!”
Being a survivor of abuse, Nandi is campaigning against all types of abuse through her music. Her album, ‘Woman of Rock’ which speaks of her journey as a woman will be released soon. The album which was penned and produced by Willis Wataffi Afrika of Qaya Rootz mentorship school, speaks of her mistakes, her pain, her joy, her strength and how she has remained strong despite all she has gone through.
A number of girls are going through abusive relationships, but ‘love’ seems to blind them to death, they do not realise it. They believe they will change their men once they put the ring on the finger or after paying lobola but ladies, it only gets worse.
Old habits die hard. Be careful of who you date and never be blinded by love to the extent of walking into your own death trap. Nandi survived, but you may not. There are good men out there, don’t be fooled by the monsters and never stay for the money, that may be his excuse for bashing you. Be careful.
