The day Robert Mugabe fled to China

By Fanuel Nsingo

As the US President Barack Obama conversed with South African President Jacob Zuma over the phone, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton paced the White House floor to and fro. She overhead Obama say, “Are you telling me Zimbabwe’s on fire?”

At least three minutes passed without a further word from Obama, and finally, he thanked Zuma and replaced the phone.

The whole world was brought to a standstill as rebels were fighting the Zimbabwe National Army and its defence forces. Mugabe had already fled to China in an Air Force jet and the news reported that China was preparing to boost the ill-equipped Zimbabwean army to fend off the rebels.

The British Press Secretary was having a hard time trying to explain to the media that Britain wasn’t behind the revolt.

Zambia’s president had already fled to an unknown destination after rumours circulated that former Zimbabwean commercial farmers who had lost their farms due to Mugabe’s land grabs and later fled to Zambia had masterminded the rebellion.

A group of armed war veterans were reportedly heading for Zambia “to teach the whites a lesson.”

The French president refused to answer to questions that France had armed the rebels. Russia’s Vladimir Putin was reported to have snubbed Mugabe’s request for back-up, as the Kremlin felt their hands were already full back home, with protests on a daily basis.

Queen Elizabeth II refused to comment. She even commanded the security at the royal palace to block any attempts by the press to penetrate her residence.

Movement for Democratic Change (MDC –T) President Morgan Tsvangirai was having a hard time on the state radio as he repeatedly appealed for ceasefire and calm. His rusty, tired voice kept saying, “MaZimbabwe akanaka, please ndapota, hatidi hondo, ndinokukumbirai nomwoyo munyoro kuti mutsvete zvombo pasi tiise misoro pamwechete.” (Beloved Zimbabweans, I plead with you, please lay down your arms as we don’t want war, lets put our heads together and resolve the crisis).

MDC-N President Welshman Ncube’s voice echoed immediately after Tsvangirai had finished speaking. Ncube begged the rebels to stop destroying the country that was already on a course to recovery. Some callers called the state radio saying they were confused and wanted both Tsvangirai and Ncube to advise them where to go and only return after ceasefire.

The SABC radio stations in South Africa united as one and gave Zuma unlimited time as he appealed for calm and reminded everybody that mediation efforts were already underway therefore there was no need for war. Zuma warned the rebels that if they managed to overthrow the government they would never be recognized.

Zuma’s warning was direct, “South Africa’s ready to ensure that all governments in Africa are democratically elected. Currently the South African soldiers are on stand-by.”

Former South African president Nelson Mandela spoke through his spokesman that the time for fighting was over and it wasn’t expected of the current generation.

From China’s state radio, Robert Mugabe’s frail voice thundered, “Zimbabwe will never be a colony again. I sacrifice myself to die for the truth. I urge the Zimbabwe Defence Forces not to give up easily on these rebels. Once we have the knowledge about who’s funding these rebels Zimbabwe’s allies will bombard them forthwith. No, no, no. We” ll not surrender”

Elsewhere in Mozambique, the Zimbabwean war veterans were broadcasting their concerns over the Mozambique state radio.

Some Zimbabweans ran to Mozambique, whilst for the first time in history, the South African border was unmanned, as a very long trek hurriedly made its way across the South African border.

Harare was up in flames. As I ran for cover I saw a group of young rebels disciplining a well-known dangerous war veteran. I kicked myself and regretted ever coming to Fourth Street.

From a parked VIP police car there was loud yelling and cries of an almost dying man. One of the rebels spoke loudly, to my relief and asked, “You’ re Augustine Chihuri, aren’t you? Talk old man, aren’t you the police commissioner?” The old man kept quiet in defiance.

A very ugly, stout rebel, muscular and with a bushy face gestured to another taller one, who immediately handed him a bolt-cutter. As soon as the the stout rebel moved his hands with the bolt-cutter towards the old man’s trousers zip, the old man voluntarily unglued his mouth and replied he was definitely Chihuri but was asking for forgiveness. He cried so bitterly and shed a lot of tears that Gadaffi’s tears were only a drop in the ocean.

Another rebel signaled I should leave immediately to which I complied by running as far as my feet could carry me. I disappeared towards the golf course and rested in the midst of the tall trees.

Game over! The rebels had already overpowered the soldiers and taken over the Harare CBD. Zimbabwean soldiers seemed too weak for the rebels, who continued to seize control of major cities. Bulawayo, Mutare, Gweru and Masvingo now fell under the rebels.

News from China stated that Russia had stopped China in its tracks from aiding Mugabe’s soldiers. This news seemed to weaken Mugabe’s soldiers more and more. The UN Secretary General welcomed the move by China on halting all military preparations.

Saturday meant a reward for the rebels as they had already occupied the whole of Zimbabwe. The war was over. Britain’s David Cameron was quoted as saying Zimbabweans had been oppressed for a long time thus their latest approach. However, he distanced himself from further commenting on Mugabe’s possible prosecution for crimes against humanity.

A Wikileaks volunteer appeared on MSNBC News as she wept uncontrollably and confessed that Mugabe and his CIO are the ones behind the leaked cables and falsified information. Martin Bashir and Tamron Hall of MSNBC News consoled her but at the same time urging her on. She apologized to all innocent Zimbabweans for causing confusion and dividing the country’s citizens.

Julian Assange retreated by dismissing the young lady’s claims and further said that the lady has never volunteered for Wikileaks. He also stated that Wikileaks receives direct information from whistleblowers, not through the use of conduits.

Professor Steven Friedman of South Africa didn’t mince his words, “This is a case of our own Middle East. I think this’ s the last revolution of its kind. For a very long time we’ve underestimated Zimbabweans as if we’ve forgotten that they fought colonial rule in the past. The old adage has been resuscitated not to judge a book by its cover.”

South African actor and comedian , Leon Schuster refused to be left out of the commentary bandwagon. He only said, “Now Nando’s can safely do business whichever way they like. But their task now is to take out the Last Remaining Dictator line from their advert.”

Dr. John Makumbe from the University of Zimbabwe was more radical and possessive, “It is through our works and unending efforts that this dictator’ s been overthrown. We must thank ourselves for the job well done.”

COSATU’ boss Zwelinzima Vavi couldn’t hide his excitement, ” When people are out of work their only work will be to rebel. This is a strong warning to the governments of Africa that keep promising to reduce unemployment but without tangible results. For now though we’ re happy Mugabe’ s no more and we can safely visit the workers in Zimbabwe without any hassles.’

Job Sikhala, his wife and children, accompanied by a St. Mary’s pastor clutching the Bible and a small group of his supporters that comprised six people was blocked from entering the State House as he tried to take over and assume the presidency. His actions sent everybody breaking their ribs with laughter. Even exiled Chimurenga musician Thomas Mapfumo had to record a song about Job Sikhala’s unguarded, greedy ambitions to occupy the State House.

Not to be outdone, Dr. Lovemore Madhuku of the National Constitutional Assembly was more jovial as he shook hands with Morgan Tsvangirai, “Now that the obstructing factor’s gone we can go back to the drawing board and revive our marriage.”

When Roy Bennet arrived at a gathering in Mbare Musika, Harare, the crowds shouted, “Pachedu, Pachedu!” He responded in Shona, “Ndadzoka kumusha ini mwana weZimbabwe.”(I’m back home, I, a son of Zimbabwe).

Asked to comment on Mugabe’s end of an era, Nigerian Prophet TB Joshua said Zimbabweans could at last have freedom of expression and association, but above all the freedom of religion. He urged all Zimbabweans and Africa as a whole to listen to the voice of prophecies and heed God’s words. TB Joshua also had kind words for Tsvangirai, who he claimed was anointed by God to “free the Israelites from the Egyptian Pharaoh.”

TB Joshua then prophesied that never again will there be another war in Zimbabwe. He immediately challenged the non-believers and his detractors who didn’t believe his word by predicting that Zimbabwe’s worst performing soccer team, Zimbabwe Saints, would lift the country’s premier league trophy without actually topping the Premier Soccer League, but through unexplained means by the Zimbabwe Football Association(ZIFA).

The following afternoon the rebel leader’s voice spoke for the first time through the state radio, “My job’ s finished. It is now time to move forward and allow those who have been denied democracy a chance. I’ve finished the task I sought to fulfill. I accept that this was a hard and unfortunate decision that I took to liberate Zimbabwe through the spilling of blood but I’m very confident, just as you are that it was worth it.

“The dictator will now lose everything that he owned and will die a sad, slow death in Fong Kong, China. I thank you once again. I must therefore thank my colleague, Constantine Chiwenga for maintaining secrecy at all costs on our plot since our first meeting and ensuring that Mugabe gets what he deserves. Yours son of the soil, Douglas Nyikayaramba. ”

Who? The same Nyikayaramba, Mugabe’s most priced bootlicker? Finally, the Libyan revolt that Zimbabweans in the likes of Munyaradzi Gwisai had dreamt about had come to fruition. Mugabe’s securocrats had betrayed him. Mugabe was finished. Retired General Solomon “Rex Nhongo” Mujuru was turning in his grave. His spirit could now rest in peace after avenging his assassination by Mugabe’s CIO.

On a Monday morning, exactly two days after the ceasefire, a SADC meeting that had convened in South Africa agreed that Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai, be deputised by both Welshman Ncube and Joyce Mujuru in a transitional arrangement.

Zuma then urged both Tsvangirai and Ncube to work hand-in-hand with the army’s top brass that had connived with Joyce Mujuru in engineering Mugabe’s downfall. President Obama, from his White House base thanked Joyce Mujuru for avenging her husband’s death through a process that would finally liberate Zimbabwe.

The events that followed immediately thereafter were unexpected. As soon as Zuma and Hillary Clinton landed at the Harare International airport there was a loud applause, cut short by chants of “Zuma, Zuma, Zuma!” Others could be heard shouting, “Hillary Clinton, Hillary Clinton!”

One huge placard that seemed to have been hurriedly scribbled in capital letters with a rough charcoal on a cardboard read, “ZUMA RULES AFRICA!!!”

Many placards clearly spoke of Mugabe’s demise, with an angry man trying to fight his way to reach Zuma and Clinton with a placard that read, “GOODBYE DICTATOR MUGABE.”

Another one, being waved by a fat, seemingly hostile woman read, “Zuma for President!” It was the birth of a new and free Zimbabwe!

Fanuel Nsingo is the author of the ZimRadicals Blog