Yaya Rudo answers your real life questions. She offers her advice to readers on their everyday issues. Write to her on [email protected]
Q. I am married to my wife of 14 years, she works as a beautician in a saloon, last year December one evening, she was dropped by a male guy just two houses from ours around 8pm from work, she didn’t realize I was outside and saw everything.
I asked her who brought her home, she said she came by kombi, after I narrated what I saw she started to formulate some lies and said someone assisted her from the bus stop to home, we quarreled and resolved it, later this year July, 12, I went out to church and she remained with the kids at home, I just decided to come back home before end of service, when I reached home I saw a zesa car parked by the gate, when she saw my car she jumped out and ran into the gate.
I asked her, and she said someone had given her a lift from visiting one sekuru. She never thought I would come back early, she never told me she would visit someone that Sunday. We had a serious misunderstanding until I beat her hard.
After that I saw that in her wallet she had unused protector, I asked about it and she said I wallet yaive neshamwari yake. I no longer have faith in this marriage. What do I do to gain trust again?
I feel she is cheating me. I just decided to take my time to track her closely to catch her smart. I have set traps around her all over to monitor her movements. But kindly advise on how best I should deal with this issue. MM
A. Marital Misharp
I am so sorry that you are having a difficult time in your marriage. Trust is such an integral part of marriage once it is lost it takes a lot of time to rebuild.
As a couple you must learn to talk it out. Wars have been prevented because people talked. Setting traps all over the place is not a solution, besides draining you emotionally, it portrays you as an overbearing and controlling husband. No one wants to live under scrutiny.
I suggest you invite a marriage counselor. There are mobile ones that charge a small fee, some can talk to you online or you can approach a trusted pastoral office or church near you. A mature friend who is able to be neutral can also help you .
Talking it out helps your wife understand your frustrations and give her a chance to explain herself in a safe environment. A neutral counselor will help you come to common grounds on what should change or remain the same going forward as a married couple .
I understand that you are angry and disappointed by the alleged actions of your wife. I do not know her side of the story but going with what you wrote I accept that there is reason to be suspicious of her behavior. Whether cheating is a fact or fiction let me say without apologizing that raising your hand to a woman is not acceptable. It is a No ,No.
No amount of lying or cheating justifies beating up your wife. If you can not manage your emotions please leave the house, take a walk, visit a friend, go jogging or ask for a separation code. Even if you decide to go outside and count cars for two hours it is still better than the trauma of your kids watching their mom being beaten or waking up to a dead mom. I hope you can talk more and resolve this amicably.
2. Help my family is too big
I’m a father of seven and right now my wife is pregnant. l am a barber I had problems with landlords until I decided to separate from my family and lodged a room for other kids and another for me and wife and the other three kids. My problem is now l can’t manage the other of my children they are giving me problems going out with men. A form one girl.
Two, the mother is sending the other children to beg for money in town of which they bring to her. Dear Yaya I feel useless I don’t know what to do I need to be in one place with my family but I can’t afford, I have started a horticulture project its taking to long to change my fate. Help me with any advice I will take .
I really appreciate that you are trying to provide for your family during a very difficult season. Great move with the horticultural project, it may take a while but I would like to believe it shall soon start to pay off.
The communication must start first between you and your wife. It is your wife you need to convince and perhaps have possible short term solutions to share with her.
You will need to address issues around the form one girl. You will need to stand as a team when you explain to her the impact of promiscuity on her health studies and future. It is possible that poverty is also driving your daughter – be ready to offer her empowering options of survival.
Discuss with your wife openly all your concerns about the little ones who are sent to beg on the streets. You need to be on the same page with your wife before you talk to the children.
I would like to believe she is sending the kids to beg out of desperation.
She just wants food on the table just like you. Do not shoot her down when you talk. It is important for your wife to understand what she is exposing the children too. Each day the little ones are out there is a risk of drug addiction, all kinds of bullying and sexual abuse.
You need to help her see the dangers on the streets and offer empowering choices for the children. The cash the kids bring is nothing compared to the possible long term damage of life on the streets.
To increase income lines :
-Develop a list of things you can do as you wait for the horticultural project to mature.
-Constantly see how you can involve all your children or some so that they feel involved
-Seek opportunities to sell other people’s products and service for a small commission
-What else are you good at ? Can you help someone dig a pond for fish farming , sell airtime or make soap .
-what can you buy and sell to your clients as you do your barber work
-School is out if you have a rural home consider taking the family there for a month or two
-Vegetables sell in the township . Consider involving all the children in selling vegetables .
-When the baby comes, consider keeping the family size as is until you are able to look after all the children soundly .
Make small steps to earn an extra dollar. Hang in there FB
3. Unthankful family members
Q. I have always helped family. I sent family to school and universities. I have housed people when they looked for jobs. A lot of people within the extended family have passed through my house on their way to the top. I do not mean to be arrogant but I can name a few who would not be where they are today without my financial support.
Now here is the story Yaya, things have been tough in this Covid season. I have not worked full time since February. I work once a week. I would like to start a small project. I have reached out to those I helped back then some did not bother to reply others just said “mari iri kunetsa “. When I helped it was not because I had plenty or a great job, I was also giving up something Yaya , is it unreasonable to expect something back in times of need? Family Hurts
A. Dear Family Hurts
I am sorry you feel you are being treated unfairly in your time of need. Situations like these breed bitterness almost canceling out all the good work you did in the past.
I suggest that you forgive them and move on. If someone needs to be reminded that “ I kept you in school “ then wisdom is still far away from them. When you focus on those you expect to offer help you will miss out on the people around you who can help you now.
I was taught that the power is in giving and helping out, it is not about who you give. Just be a giver, it comes back to you. I must say it is not always easy to accept and apply in life.
For most people it is natural to want to give back to those who helped them – they do not need reminders but I guess not so natural to others. What I have observed however is that givers will always get help even from strangers. I believe your helpers are out there.
Givers get help from strangers and from people they never helped. Do not focus of the family negative attitude, do not wallow in bitterness. Look around you , your friends your colleagues. When this settles and your project is on track – do not change who you are, be the giver that you are no expectations. Give help from the heart and do not make noise about it. It shall be well with you.
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