By Dave C. Chikosi
Zimbabweans on Twitter are an angry lot. Not sure why. Their nation is also divided as hell. The division between the two main political parties is as deep as the chasm between heaven and hell.
The main opposition party, on the one hand, claims to be able to bring ‘heaven on earth’ to a country that critics describe as a hellhole – a slightly better descriptor than the term once used by the President of the United States.
The ruling party, on the other hand, stands accused of bringing ‘hell on earth’ to beautiful Wakanda. Critics point to a Biblical weeping and gnashing of teeth (kugedageda kwemazino) that has become the lot of ordinary folk ever since that apocalyptic day in 2017 when a military general appeared on state television to announce a coup d’état, that was in fact “not a military takeover of government.” It was just his troops targeting criminals around the then President, who himself remained safe.
Fast forward to April 2020, and a little known Zimbabwean medical doctor on a social media platform publicly aims a golden arrow at the heart of one of Zimbabwe’s most well-known bachelorette. Not only does Dr Cupid manage to do what a multitude of Zimbabwean eligible bachelors have been too petrified to do, but he also manages to do what their politicians have failed to do i.e. unite these angry and contentious sadza-eaters.
For those who have just crawled out from under the internet rock, here’s what happened: when the good doctor pulled back the bow and released his arrow, nearly all of Zwitter (Zimbabweans on Twitter), regardless of political affiliation, suddenly came together in a rare show of unity and rallied behind what many thought was an act of courage by the gentleman.
And just like the 2nd century romantic story where a multitude of gods assembled in the theater of heaven approved the marriage of Cupid to Psyche, the Twitter gods have also spoken and have given their nod of approval to this budding romance. Love filled the air as Zimbas buried their differences. Momentarily.
And now as Zimbabweans await for that promised candlelight dinner, most are convinced that the good doctor will live up to his promise. He comes across as an honorable suitor. And if that be the case then the long wait by our Lady Advocate has been worth it. She has also conducted herself like a real lady, unlike some social media pole dancers who mistakenly think that the way to get Mr. Right is by showing lots of skin.
But compare our Lady Advocate’s fortune with that of our Lady Zimbabwe. The latter has been sitting down at a dinner table, since the coup-not-a-coup, waiting for her lover, Mr. New Dispensation, to show up. The anticipated dinner by candlelight is not by choice, but by reason of the country’s worsening power cuts or load shedding. And here she sits, hungry and sipping nothing but plain, tasteless water, waiting for her man to show up.
Mr. New Dispensation did show up eventually to propose, albeit very briefly, at the elections in July 2018. There were two main contenders romantically pursuing her at the time. Like Cupid of old, both fired their golden arrows at our Lady, and in a heavily disputed outcome only one suitor won her hand. The disputed winner then began promising her multiple mega dinners by candlelight, but sadly boo has so far failed to quite live up to his promises.
We were all there to witnesses as she looked at him starry-eyed while he talked about how 2018 was going to be the year of mega deals. It was going to be the year of “open for business.” What happened? Where is the promised $1.5 billion agricultural mega deal touted to create 630 000 jobs?
Where is the $4.2 billion mega deal with a Cypriot investor to develop a platinum mine and refinery? Where is the $5.2 billion mega deal with Nkosikhona Holdings, for the production of 8 million liters of liquid fuels per day?
Whatever happened to the $5.2 billion Chinese mega deal to build the hydro-power generation station at Batoka Gorge? What about the $20 million Invictus Energy mega deal to explore for oil reserves around Muzarabani? And those vast platinum claims given to Karo Resources for a $4.4 billion refinery plant that would create over 100 000 jobs?
Mr. New Dispensation does seem to be in over his head, and girlfriend is not amused. She is starving even as she waits for him to show up and fulfill promises made. Dude knows she’s getting ready to ditch him if he doesn’t step up.
And so it comes as no surprise to learn that as recently as April 2, 2020, this Cupid wrote a letter to some rich acquaintances in Washington DC asking, nay, begging, for economic assistance and promising to change many of his wayward tendencies that have landed him in the current hot soup. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Will Cupid get the economic assistance he needs to make our Lady happy? It all depends on the extent he is willing to go in behavior modification. Continuing the blame game (sanctions) won’t cut it.
Will Lady Zimbabwe take him as her lawfully wedded husband at the next plebiscite dinner? That is a harder question. She has been overheard muttering some ancient wisdom that goes: “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”