The ‘white’ C.I.O agent

By Conor Walsh

Until a couple of days ago I could not claim to be well known in Zimbabwean circles. However, this changed when a website of rather inferior quality, which I will refer to as “ZimBum”, decided to claim that I was a CIO agent.

I write this article to explain how participation on Facebook has resulted in this false accusation. I understand ZimBum is widely seen as a site where unsophisticated people who think toilet paper is to be used to wipe your hands after you have been to the toilet, write for those who are their intellectual equals.

Nonetheless they were able to try to smear my name across the internet.
So please pay close attention- what happened to me could also happen to you. And please be patient. I am aiming several arrows at ZimBum. They will hit the target.

Like many other Zimbabweans I have turned to Facebook to connect with compatriots at home and in the Diaspora. All humanity is represented in my friends’ list, including the mad, the bad and the sad, although I have generally been highly selective in my choices of friends. Most are people of achievement, education and character.

I relish the intellectual ability, quick wit and the eloquence in many languages of most of my fellow citizens. I speak a few words of SiNdebele haltingly and I write the language with a devastating lack of grammatical accuracy. I speak and write even fewer words of ChiShona. Facebook is a venue for improvement. The multilingual example of other Zimbabweans is inspiring.

I also made some friends who were a bit slow, dull and eccentric. One of them was even a Mugadhijere (prison guard). I tried to be tolerant. Nobody is perfect, least of all, me.

In the course of numerous debates quarrels and discussions with the friends I respect, we have managed to generate much heat, which is not surprising. Our country is experiencing a social, political and economic “Perfect Storm” which is intricate, multilayered and trans-generational in its complexity.

But we have also shed some light on the developmental issues which challenge us and the ways in which we need to challenge them.

In general, consensus in most Facebook arguments has never been too far away. Most of us attribute responsibility for the “Perfect Storm” complex of crises to the three decades of misgovernment by Zanu PF and its President Robert Mugabe.

I believe that Robert Mugabe has turned Zimbabwe into a Gukurahundist state in which he and his senior colleagues attempt- vainly – to delay the day of judgement for the awful crimes they committed against humanity. Fiat voluntas et ruat coelum. Justice must be done, though heaven falls.

I hope I have also been intellectually honest enough to accept that at least some of the roots of Mugabe’s authoritarian excesses result from nine decades of segregationist rule preceding Independence. The culture of impunity was well and truly established then. Mugabe’s laws and undemocratic ethos owe much in letter and spirit to Ian Smith’s.

Like many others I welcomed the emergence of the MDC. In a perfect world Morgan Tsvangirai should now be the President of Zimbabwe. Instead he is Prime Minister. As such I believe he should be held accountable for his actions and decisions. This is democracy.

Some of us have witnessed with dismay the growing fanaticism and sycophancy of some of the Tsvangirai MDC’s supporters. Many credible commentators consider that there is a danger that the authoritarianism of Zanu PF could replicate itself in the MDC. I have become wary of the many attempts to replace the personality cult of Mugabe with one for Tsvangirai. The urge to authoritarianism is a virus that spreads easily.

My response as a citizen with political interests but no political ambitions was to turn to satire, on Facebook, aimed at both Zanu PF and the two MDC formations. I have approximately 1200 friends. By Zimbabwean standards my Facebook friends list is not long. All can give witness to my activities, which have been transparent and open to discussion at all times.

For example I set up a Facebook group called – in honour of the courageous Margaret Dongo – “The Many Wives of Robert Mugabe”. It features some of those politicians who deserve to be remembered as men who lost their masculinity.

I have also established a group dedicated to “The Wit and Wisdom of Professor Jonathan Moyo”.

So far he has refrained from labelling me as another white Nazi. Perhaps the man has a sense of humour. I attract criticism for suggesting that Jonathan Moyo may be a human being rather than a demonic cipher.

I have also made efforts to highlight the racial injustices inflicted on white farmers in Zimbabwe. Racism or xenophobia towards a minority should always be a point of concern. Tose tiri maroja aMwari. Land is for all, not just people with one melanin quotient.

Last and certainly not least I have ridiculed the pompousness and pretensions of the MDC, sparing neither of the two factions. For my pains Honourable Senator Coltart has, on Facebook, called me a “long distance sniper”.

Other members of my community have accused me of being a member of Zanu PF. We white Zimbabweans are not always known for our keen intellects or sense of humour. Neither, it would appear are some other Zimbabweans.

After posting various accounts from various news sources regarding the alleged disappearance of £57 000 from MDC-T funds and the decision of MDC-T leaders to suspend the party’s structures in the UK – just as they have had to do in previous cases within Zimbabwe and in South Africa – I was accused of being a liar by someone whose name I will not divulge.

A heated debate ensued. I referred to the corrupt MDC-T lot in Zimbabwe and the corrupt MDC-T lot in the UK. I deprecated the lack of systems to prevent this fraud occurring as well as the decision to suspend structures in a strategically important foreign country.

My colleague later deleted certain comments from my Facebook wall and wrote to me privately to apologize. It seemed clear to me my colleague was not a rocket scientist. In a battle of the wits restraint should be shown to the unarmed. I accepted his apology. There, I believed, the matter ended.

And then ZimBum named me as a CIO member, citing as their source my intellectually challenged “friend” and based on my MDC criticism and my use of the Shona word “hameno”. It is interesting that the fact that I am a white Zimbabwean was given particular prominence. Racism has various forms.

In a rage I telephoned ZimBum. A shaking voice identified himself after much hesitation as “Stan Dlodlo”. I suspect this name was the result of imagination. Stan described himself as an assistant editor.

Stan refused to divulge the name of the editor of the site or the names of its trustees “for security reasons”. Stan later called me back. It seems he was trying to tape our call but his tape-recorder started to complain in his shaking hand. I am not saying Stan Dlodlo is a joke but even in a moment of anger he made me laugh.

Conflicting feelings have continued. I still have moments of great anger. The CIO is not an organization a human being who is a human being would wish to be connected with in any manner whatsoever.

But I have also had moments of amusement particularly when friends and well-wishers have encouraged me to see the funny side of this development. Based on my record of opposition and objection to Zanu PF over some years few of those who know me were prepared to take the matter seriously. I have received messages of support from, among others, a senior MDC-T Minister.

I have considered suing ZimBum for its trashy and malicious efforts at character assassination, but it has been pointed out that its “address” is in one of the poorest and most deprived quarters of a northern city.

ZimBum is smelly and broke. And I may be accused of being a patronizing liberal for saying this but I tend to think white Africans have spent too long trying to silence black Africans. Let ZimBum publish its lies and let ZimBum be damned. The truth will emerge to vindicate the innocent and expose the malicious. It always does.

I have learned one last lesson from all this. Due to the calibre of some of its disciples there is no guarantee that the MDC-T will be any less corrupt, intolerant or authoritarian than Zanu PF.

The price of freedom is eternal vigilance. I will continue to make my politically motivated jokes at the expense of any party or politician I please. And I will accept the consequences as they come.