By Mitchell Munyaradzi Gumbo
The subject of sex in Zimbabwe is very taboo. It is something that is viewed as dirty by some and wicked by most. This is a result of our Bantu culture as well the religions we adopted from our erstwhile colonial masters as well as our interaction with other members of the global village.
Seeing that sex is deemed vulgar and Christianity takes great exception and vulgarities, it is no surprise that 80% of our population which professes Christianity is not very comfortable talking about the subject. Yet we are carnal people and sex is part of our lives as much as eating and breathing!
Its been said that the average man thinks about sex over 70% of his time. It’s that huge! And despite our culture silencing the women in most areas let alone sex, women have primal lusts just like the average man. They just can’t be open about for fear that they be viewed as loose.
I daily host debates on my Facebook wall and the debate on Saturday 28 March was premised on this question, “ Blessed Saturday great Zimbabweans…..men what would you do and how would you feel if you found out that your lady has DIY tools?
Wouldn’t it hurt your ego that may you ain’t giving her the big O? And women why do you need to have DIY tools when you have a man? “
Man, the responses were awesome and legendary and above all it showed that women do have a tip or two on how the bedroom can be explosive but the can only cry and long for those things in silence because apparently we Zimbo men are too egoistic to receive tips from the ladies.
Consider the comments generated by the debate. My friend Tatenda Frank Chirunga , the director of Divine Grace Media, he quipped “Why would a man fail to give her the big O?”
Taa Tee, a lady, responded “Frank, you have no idea, in terms of figures…75% of Zimbabwean men who think they are good in the sack make their partners yawn during sex. Women are good at faking it” 75% of men are thumping their chests after every session bragging at sports bars or work that they are the real deal while the woman was faking the whole thing.
To lend credence to Taa Tee’s assertion, her comment got numerous likes from women. Someone had spoken up for them finally! Kudakwashe Tsodzo, was the first man to concede that Taa Tee had spoken sense.
In his words, he said “amana ka it becomes tricky all together you may want to flare up and confront her but it wont solve the problem, i think the best would be to up your game as a man and of course have an open channel for pillow talk where you can actually discuss some of those secret fantasies and desires.”
The ladies again liked his comment by the hordes. Getting back to the discussion as to why a woman with a man would need DIY tools, Taa Tee again intoned “ Her toys do not replace you. It’s very important for a woman to explore her body on her own. That way she knows what she wants and it makes it easier for you to be guided on how to please her. The only thing as a man is please allow your woman to tell and show you what pleases her.”
Actress and feminism activist R Tendo Tapiwa concurred with her “ DIY is encouraged. I am an advocate for it. It can never replace the kisses n hugs n warm body but it surely gives stress free O’s, all the time”
Could it be that most of our women are now resorting to DIY because we men are too proud to listen? To conservative to be guided by them? Yet its her as a woman who knows her erogenous zones, the best thing to do thus is to swallow pride and listen to her dictates.
However, the debate took an interesting turn when someone highlighted that men who don’t lead and take initiative are a turn off! Women are surely hard to please! Lesley Marebera offered a solution “ It’s not letting her lead proceedings per se, find time to communicate outside the act itself and get to know her primal desires so that when its time to drink tea, you know what to do and where to touch”.
The colorful Taa Tee, remarked “Lesley for Mayor!” signifying that Lesley had spoken the truth that ladies wanted to hear. It seems they want us to know how they prefer to be held so that when we recreate the Songs of Solomon, we do it quite expertly and for once in their lives, they want a real O…. not a fake, self induced, When Harry met Sally one!
R Tendo Tapiwa shifted the debate into a whole new direction , when typical of feminists she declared that “Women think that sex is for the pleasure of men so will do all the tricks that they know n can think of to try n make the man happy in bed. shame, ivo kunakirwa kwavo is not even a thought” .
Again , women liked that comment in hordes, apparently we guys are concerned with just our own welfare during that glorious time, we don’t even care whether or not she enjoyed. Whoever said the most important thing in life is to finish strong never had a frank conversation with a woman about the importance of fore…play.
It’s particularly important for women to have successful fore…..play because it takes a woman a longer time [than a man] to get up to the level of arousal needed to O….. A man can just think about sex and have an e….., but for most women, wanting sex is not enough. .
Fore…..play serves a physical and emotional purpose, helping prepare both mind and body for sex. Many women need to be kissed, hugged, and caressed to create lubrication which is important for comfortable inter…course. Fore…play gives a woman emotional assurance that the man she’s about to have sex with really wants to be with her.
The time and attention given during fore…..play can communicate that message in a way the “Wham, bam, thank you, ma’am” approach simply cannot.
Dokta Fadzayi Chiwandire joined the debate a bit later and brought interesting perspectives “ I was told of a story yemukadzi akati abva ku kitchen party and went home and akati let me try zvinyuwani zvandadzidza ku party and she went on top… nigga went flaccid and akamudzikisa pasi akato explain where and why?
Ukuona mentality iyi… i would understand this woman if she went to get a boyfriend… wrong as it may be… so many African women are not reaching the big O because a) our men are selfish b) communication is between zero and none”.
She went on to explain how one lady after researching the benefits of keeping the honeypot clean shaven, did it much to the chagrin of her husband who stoically demanded to know why she had rid herself of the bush.
A word for my Christian brothers and sisters, God is not a prude that hates sex and fun. True He has his rules as outlined in great detail on Leviticus. Fornication refers to all illegal and unlawful sexual relations. But in a marital setting, He more than anyone else advocates for intimacy.
Consider this verse 1 Corinthians 7 v 5 “Do not deny each other sexual relations except when you are fasting…but quickly meet again to reduce temptations” . If this was a command, most of the married would fail ! Sex when there is love is the best sex of all.
Giving sex without love borders on prostitution. Demanding sex without love is abuse. We are talking about the intertwining of two hearts as their bodies become one. The more you have that in mind, the better things will go. One thing the world seems pretty certain about: Christianity is a killjoy, anti-sex religion. But this is a lie.
Nothing in the Bible says that sex is wrong. The Bible does hold the view that sex is such a mysterious and powerful thing that it ought to be subject to certain boundaries — like marriage. The Song of Songs is seen as the greatest celebrations of intimacy in all of English literature.
One of my professors at college went all the way to sensationally claim that whenever Solomon used the word “garden” , it was poetic symbolism for her honey pot. The writer wishes to encourage people to communicate truly and honestly without fear or shame.
False puritanical discipline has led to the actual sin which is called adultery, men and women sneaking out to look for that which they should be finding in the home. The hypocrisy though is sickening, if the wife does anything out of the ordinary, there is pandemonium yet the man goes to red light districts to pay for those very same things!
So, the conservatives and puritanical actually think that when it came to creating genitalia and sexual feelings, God stepped of the throne and gave the reins to satan? No! That is preposterous, the same God who created life also created the primal urges we have although indeed there are rules which are for our good after all.
I hate to be a party pooper but the practice of sex outside marriage is forbidden. I know some will say it’s the 21st century but the Bible doesn’t get old. It’s hard I know (no pun intended!) but if you really like it, put a ring on it! I will be back with a whole article on why it’s worth the wait..
The silent cry of the women of Zimbabwe is for act to change from being sex to lovemaking, their silent cry is for men to be equally concerned about their needs too, their silent cry is for their lovers to listen to them because they, the women, know their bodies more than we do, their silent cry is that they too need to enjoy sex as men do without being tagged whores or loose, their silent cry is that they need to learn new things at their kitchen parties or in their books and try them with their man without being viewed as sluts.
I asked as the debate raged on “Are you ladies therefore saying that you can be so frustrated to such an extent that if a man comes along who is willing to listen and do you as you really desire, you can cheat?”. Taa Tee replied “Not condoning cheating but yes, that’s the sad reality because we too need real big Os”. That is the sad reality indeed.
Mitchell Munyaradzi Gumbo is a Social Psychology student with an interest in Human Behavior and Interpersonal Relationships. He writes here in his own capacity. The “Mitchell Gumbo Debates” are held daily on his Facebook and they are a platform for people from all walks to dissect pertinent issues of the day.
Contact details: Twitter @mitchelgumbo
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