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Zimbabwe’s troublesome political reptiles

By Tsanga Tutankhamen Shanga

Zimbabwe has two troublesome reptiles; call it Zimbabwean’s reptilian problem if you want. One is from Tsholotsho and the other one is from Mberengwa. These two reptiles work very well as a team; at least they think they do.

Emmerson Mnangagwa (centre) conversing with John Nkomo (left) and Robert Mugabe (right)
Emmerson Mnangagwa (centre) conversing with John Nkomo (left) and Robert Mugabe (right)

One works as the brainy thinker while the other works as a brutal brawny enforcer. Sooner or later they will turn on each other especially in light of the unpredictable character of the Tsholotsho reptile.

Whatever aura of invincibility that it has been trying to build around itself lately, recent events have dealt the Mberengwa reptile a telling blow to its political ambitions. These events, some of its own making and others beyond its control, clearly show that this reptile lacks foresight and may actually betray political ineptitude on its part.

Some would go as far as saying that the Mberengwa reptile has always been more dependent on its brawn than its brain in spite of the fact that it is said to be a lawyer by training.

For that reason, it still finds time to amuse itself with thoughts and dreams of becoming president of the Republic of Zimbabwe, a position that can only be legitimately occupied by a human being rather than a reptile trapped in the body of a human being.

Africa’s tired and discredited nationalist parties always need one or two reptiles to sustain their grip on power. In Zimbabwe, the Mberengwa reptile has been quite useful for ZANU-PF not because of its wits, if it has any, but its willingness to use violence.

Although it has the physical attributes of a human being, you begin realize that it is actually a reptile as soon as it starts talking. This reptile, like all reptiles trapped in human bodies, talks before its brains are in motion. That will be the beginning of its end. A fool’s tongue brings it nothing but ruin.

If reports are to be believed, it made a very curious graveside confession. “I was trained to kill and destroy,” it is reported to have blurted out as it buried its brother. Perhaps these words were aroused by a sudden realization of its own mortality or a touch of Ubuntu morality, typically absent in reptiles, descended upon it thereby prompting the strange graveside conversion.

It is a strange confession because, for starters, the Mberengwa reptile is said to have claimed to be a born-again Christian. Confession in the Christian or moral sense, is the first step towards getting absolved. Simply professing the acceptance of Jesus Christ as a savior is not enough. The words have to show contrition and acceptance of deliberate wrong doing.  The reptile’s supposed confession clearly lacked contrition.

As a lawyer, one would think the Mberengwa reptile would know the difference between killing and murdering. Killing is what happens when one of equally armed combatants loses his or her life. It is the culmination of a struggle between equals. In non-legal terms, killing and destroying are what one does to pests like rats and cockroaches.

The victims of the Gukurahundi Genocide were not as well armed as the Fifth Brigade militia, NEVER! They were practically unarmed civilians. Calling their loss of life a killing is actually insulting the memory of the innocent Zimbabweans who perished at the hands of a militia said by Enos Nkala to have been answerable to the Mberengwa reptile and its talkative master.

Lest we have forgotten it, Nkala was the Minister of Defense at that time. Former Defense Minister Nkala’s words pointedly implicated the Mberengwa reptile and its talkative master.

Let us dispense with the parlance of evasions and call a spade by its name. Zimbabweans who perished in the Gukurahundi Genocide were murdered in cold blood! They were not as well-armed as the militia led by the Mberengwa reptile and its talkative master. The victims were not pests like rats and cockroaches either.

 The people who died because of Operation Murambatsvina were not killed but were murdered! Zimbabweans who were maimed or who lost their lives during Operation Mavhoterapapi were not destroyed but murdered! It may be true that a reptile cannot to tell the distinction between killing and murdering. That is the reason it was created a reptile, even if, by quirk of nature, it was trapped in the body of a human being.

Its own words, if it said them, condemn it as a cold-blooded venomous reptile trapped in the body of a human being. To nobody’s surprise, it has teamed up with another reptile from Tsholotsho, the bald-headed chameleon that fancies a cowboy hat.

Said chameleon once said its father was killed during Operation Gukurahundi – why soften the horrible act by calling it a killing instead of murder? Zimbabweans know the answer now because the Tsholotsho reptile is back to its old ways, dancing on its father’s grave with the cold-blooded venomous Mberengwa reptile implicated by Former Defense Minister Nkala.

Some people have called the Tsholotsho reptile a prostitute. That is an unnecessary, unfair and deeply insulting slur. The accusers have to apologize to all the prostitutes for being degraded to the level of a reptile that only survives by changing its coat colours to deceive its enemies and fair-weather friends.

Prostitutes are but women forced by desperation to engage in, and endure, the undignified act of using their bodies to survive. It is a last act of desperate women facing desperate times.

 The Tsholotsho reptile cannot be considered desperate if rumours of it handing out wads of American dollars, while stupidly claiming that Zimbabwe will never be a colony again reptilian-style, to buy votes. Consequently, to call the wretched and deceitful Tsholotsho reptile a prostitute is an insult to all prostitutes.

These two troublesome reptiles, previously accused of trying to overthrow their talkative master but failed because it is the fate of reptiles to fail every time they confront human beings, have lately been up to their old reptilian games again.

While the wretched and deceitful Tsholotsho reptile has been spitting venomous saliva and causing mayhem by going to courts presided over by reptilian judges, the cold-blooded venomous Mberengwa reptile has been recruiting, training and arming mobs of drug-addled zombies to not only bay for but also spill the blood of innocent Zimbabweans whose only crime is to want freedom from reptiles.

Fortunately, the irreversibly changing world political climate is conspiring against these two reptilian monsters. The scent of change is even detectable in the den or the reptiles. When the wretched and deceitful Tsholotsho reptile tried to undo the will of the Zimbabwean people by overthrowing the speaker of parliament, it failed.

In a very hilarious tactic, it is said that the human beings nominated the wretched and deceitful Tsholotsho reptile for the Speaker of Parliament of Zimbabwe. By so doing, the decent human beings hornswoggled the wretched and deceitful Tsholotsho reptile from voting, a classic and hilarious neutering of the vile reptile.

To add to its wretched trail of failure, the vote revealed to the nation the existence of at least two human beings in the den of the reptiles. The two decent human beings decided to cast their lot with fellow human beings against the reptiles with whom the co-habitat. The wretched and deceitful Tsholotsho reptile is not very happy. It is reportedly wriggling and hissing in a fit of reptilian fury.

When the inevitable happens, the wretched and deceitful Tsholotsho reptile is going to find itself countersued into a pitiful beggar. The cold-blooded and venomous Mberengwa reptile will have to count itself lucky to find itself sued.

Having set the precedent by chaining Elton Mangoma, the hideous way Africans were brought to the slave auction, for unproven charges of corruption, while a certain mediocre university lecturer who suddenly accrued vast tracts of prime land once appointed minister not because of competence but patronage goes scot-free, the Zimbabwean people are watching and soaking up every act of injustice perpetrated at the behest of the troublesome reptiles each and every day. Human justice will be visited upon these reptiles trapped in human bodies.

Since the cold-blooded reptile claims to have found comfort in the arms of Jesus, perhaps it will remember that said comforter said that as you do unto others so shall be done unto you, by what measure you measure so will you be measured.

Soon this reptile will find itself manacled and dragged to court for the crimes of murder. A cage in The Hague, Milosevic-style, may be too nice. The cage and its reptile must be taken to every village in Matabeleland and Midlands so that the reptile can be held accountable and tried 20,000 times.

The two troublesome reptiles know this reality is getting closer and closer. They ought to know how human beings deal with troublesome reptiles. They either tame the reptiles by looping off their poison glands or get rid of them by looping off their heads.

To fend off their fate, they have recruited two young reptiles. The one in Zimbabwe talks like it has psychological problems only a n’anga from Maroro can cure, perhaps a traditional renaming rite may remove the apparent curse/psychosis typical of psychological imbalance.

The other young reptile peddles wishful reptilian thoughts, perhaps for the proverbial thirty pieces of silver, as historical human facts. This young reptile says the tsunami sweeping across North Africa and the Middle East (NAME) is a quirk that will gain no traction in Sub-Saharan Africa.

The Zimbabwean reptile in Oxford England, the breeding and grooming hatchery of the British vampires trapped in human bodies, curiously cites the case of Laurent Gbagbo, the la Cote D’Ivorie reptile that no sensible African wants milling around the halls of power.

Despite recruiting, training and arming mobs of drug-addled zombies to not only bay for but shed the blood of the innocent people of the Ivory Coast who want freedom from reptiles, unsubstantiated rumours of help from the cold-blooded Mberengwa reptile have been whispered, Gbagbo is pinned down in the presidential palace he mysteriously believes he owns until death do part him from the house.

Laurent Gbagbo is trapped. Abidjan Airport is now out of his control, which means he will either die like a rat trapped in a burning hut or he will have to walk straight into detention to await trial for subverting the will of the people.

Laurent Gbagbo’s fate was determined the moment regional powers blatantly refused to endorse his continued grip on power in defiance of the will of the citizens of Cote D’Ivorie who wanted him gone from the halls of power.

The talkative master of the cold-blooded and venomous Mberengwa reptile now faces the same predicament. Initially, the regional powers had endorsed the grip on power by the talkative master of the cold-blooded and venomous Mberengwa reptile. These regional powers were swindled into believing that their words and sincerity would be respected.

Now the regional powers know what the Zimbabwean people have known for the past 31 years. The talkative master of the cold-blooded and venomous Mberengwa reptile dismisses sincerity as gullibility to be scoffed off and, sincerity as a weakness of character deserving of getting short shrift.

Instead of getting words of gratitude for letting the talkative master of the cold-blooded and venomous Mberengwa reptile retain power in spite of being overwhelmingly rejected by the decent people of Zimbabwe, the regional powers suddenly find themselves getting publicly insulted.

Despite making sure that the talkative master of the cold-blooded and venomous Mberengwa reptile remained in power notwithstanding obvious incapacitation by age, illness and electoral rejection, Jacob Zuma is now getting publicly insulted and ridiculed.

Despite hiring the reptile in a kanguwani to tell them what they want to hear instead of the truth, the fate of our troublesome reptiles is now sealed, hence the opening salvo of insults.

After being made to look like a pack of fools, SADC leaders are literally sick and tired of ZANU-PF reptilian shenanigans thus culminating in President Rupiah Banda ordering the talkative master of the two troublesome reptiles to shut up and characterizes its talkative ways as nonsensical.

In 2008, the two reptiles were in the Last Chance Saloon. They should have packed their bags and left quietly in the manner of the murderous Peter Walls, insolent Ian Douglas Smith, and the grinning clown called Abel Muzorewa Bishop of Beelzebub.

Instead of listening to the lying liar in a kanguwani, the troublesome reptiles should be trying to find a way they can get painlessly accommodated in the coming national order. They get another opportunity to save their reptilian skins in the Last Chance Saloon.