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Understanding secondary virginity (Life after pre-marital sex)

By Mitchell Munyaradzi Gumbo

Christianity and indeed many religions dictate that a person only become sexually active after marriage. Sex is actually viewed as the consummation of marriage in most cultures.

Mitchell Munyaradzi Gumbo
Mitchell Munyaradzi Gumbo

In the East, some harsh laws submit that on the wedding night if a woman is found to have had sex, she is stoned to death. The problem with this draconian law is misogyny.

It would seem that moral law dictates that women alone be those who remain virgins while men are allowed to sow wild oats.

The man who beds women in droves is seen as a champion but a woman who may have slept with one man before her marriage is seen as a whore.

The Church is supposed to be a haven of love but a lot of times fanatical people turn into a sweltering desert of intolerance and hate. Only One person sits on the throne of Judgment….GOD .  He hasn’t erred yet and I know He won’t yet sadly we have some of His kids angling to remove Him from that throne.

They sit on that lofty seat and pass judgement on other kids. The hypocrisy though is saddening in that the Bible succinctly declares that “We all err in many ways…” (James 3 v 2) . None is perfect then none should judge others.

The problem lies in an erroneous view that God sort of has a sin grading system. To the Pharisees they think that their sins like hate and greed are better that the sin of fornication. By stating this, I am not advocating for people to fornicate no no no!

I am merely saying the same God who forgives lying also forgives fornication because He hates them in equal measure.

There is life after pre-marital sex. I will repeat, there is life after pre-marital sex. It’s called secondary virginity. Indeed, it doesn’t re-virgin someone but it shows true penance. Real repentance goes beyond merely saying sorry.

You have to start living in the correct manner after saying sorry. I love the message of 1 John 1 v 8-9 “ If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

There is the word of God, when we say sorry to God for committing fornication; He is faithful to forgive us our sins! Reader, if God has forgiven you, stop condemning yourself and don’t let other people who themselves are in need of forgiveness to keep judging you for the mistakes of the past. You don’t live there anymore!

Secondary virginity therefore is a conscious decision you make to abstain from sex till the day you walk down the aisle.

Virginity is more than a physical state, its also a state of mind. Everything starts in the mind. It is in the mind that decisions to indulge are made, it is also in that mind that you have to decide to keep legs locked or zip closed till you walk down the aisle.

Many people defile their minds and spirits and have no qualms about it because they reckon no one can see their misdemeanour. Corrupting and perverting your brain through the watching of porn is as warped as indulging in the act prematurely hence my earlier assertion that virginity is more than physical.

People opt for celibacy for different reasons. The chief one being the conviction of the Holy Spirit for Christians. It dawns on you that the way you are living is hurting your Maker so you consciously start to live right and as expected of him.

It’s also amazing that even secular social scientists are increasingly admitting that it’s better that sex be left for marriage. Pre-marital sex has consequences both physical and spiritual. STIs and unwanted pregnancies quickly come to the mind.

As an aside to women, that a man undresses you is not proof that he loves you….many a time, I love you is code for I want to get into your pants. The sad thing is when a woman gets pregnant, the true colors show up.

Man begins disappearing acts and singing Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean” ‘…the kid is not my child’ …. No dumbass, you should have known that sex isn’t for recreation alone, it’s also for procreation.

The spiritual aspects are equally severe. When people hear the term “soul ties” they quickly dismiss it as religious gibberish but alas! It is real.

I have studied human sexuality from the ages, that is why people were encouraged to marry as virgins, the old people of renown kind of new that people usually cling to their past sexual partners. Sex cleaves people together.

           “…the two shall become one” Genesis 2 v 24

Hence the term soul tie. You become tied to that person so much so that it’s generally believed that two people who once did it have a high chance of doing it again if they later meet. So when you choose the path of secondary virginity, it’s very very advisable that you break those soul ties by way of prayer. Ask God to forgive you for having pre-marital sex with ——– (insert name).

Non-religious people interviewed who are into secondary virginity also gave their reasons. After several failed relationships that had a congruous regularity ie men leaving after sex, Linda* (not real name) chose to close legs to see the men who would stay for her not for what is between her legs.

Another bemoaned the lack of all other forms of intimacy except the sexual one. She said “We just so much concentrated on sex such that we never grew close. All our chats were sexual in nature, I felt like a sex object” .

Indeed, its sad when the only date he takes you to is his bedroom. Ruth* posited that “Just because I made a mistake doesn’t mean I should keep making it”


1. Ask God for strength, He is not delirious that He can give you a command that can’t be kept. Besides, His nature is this, when He gives a command, He gives the grace to fulfill it.

2. Don’t date someone who isn’t committed to abstinence like you. Either s/he will get some somewhere or they will pester you for sex till either you give in or you push them away.

3. Stay far from porn and other sexually enticing  material. Come on, it’s a brainer to want to be pure yet you feast on the impure.

4. Avoid heavy petting. Rarely does heavy petting end at just petting.

5. There is a story in the Bible about the man Samson, it’s said of him “Then she called, “Samson, the Philistines are upon you!” He awoke from his sleep and thought, “I’ll go out as before and shake myself free.”

But he did not know that the LORD had left him…Judges 16 v 20 …. The morale of the story is that Samson knew what to do in order to function in his supernatural strength. He just had to shake himself. Not only should you know your strengths, know your weaknesses also!

You damn well know what turns you on and your erogenous zones, don’t go there! You know you can’t be alone in a room with him/her and not want some therefore avoid being in the room!

Remember that anyone can start over.  Including you! When you focus on commitment and self-discipline, you can control your impulses.


Mitchell Munyaradzi Gumbo is a male Social Psychology student with keen interest in Human Behavior and Interpersonal Relationships.

Contact Details: [email protected], Mitchell Munyaradzi Gumbo (Facebook), @mitchelgumbo (Twitter)