Jean Gasho: Why I stopped being kind to relatives


By Jean Gasho | Just Jean |

Sometimes in life you become a victim of your own kindness. I am one of those people who have suffered greatly for my own kindness. I have always been too ‘nice’ and too kind for my own good.

Jean Gasho
Jean Gasho

Most people who have received my kindness in life have repaid me with cruelty.

When I first came into the UK as a teenager, I was getting a student bursary and I was also working as a carer, which was a very challenging job as I was only a young girl.

As soon as I landed in the UK and got a job, I started getting phone calls almost daily from my relatives in Zimbabwe.

I suddenly became their much loved relation. I would be given lists of designer clothes, perfumes and branded shoes. Each pay day I would take the list to town and buy things that I clearly could not afford. I would do so to keep my relatives in Zimbabwe happy. I would go to the post office every month, posting clothes and money. This was a huge responsibility and burden for a teenager. I also did this to buy acceptance and love.

When I was only 20, I worked countless hours to raise money for a relative to bring them to the UK.

I sent them the necessary documents and the money for a plane ticket.

That relative today is one of my greatest enemies, when I fall they rejoice the loudest. When I rise they hurt the most.  Never once did they ever even utter the words, ‘thank you’, but I changed their life in a way nobody has ever done.

Each time I would go to Zimbabwe I would carry bags and bags of expensive branded clothes.

Some of the clothes I bought would be distributed to friends and I would go on Facebook only to see strangers carelessly posing and wearing my clothes. It was rather hurtful as I would have sacrificed financially to buy these clothes. When I would ask why they always asked for clothes as though they were desperate only to distribute the clothes, I would be viciously attacked.

Once I bought a relative clothes for their baby, I then went to Zimbabwe in the following months, and the relative told me that the baby never wore the clothes much as they were too small. I then visited their home before I returned to the UK, they were not expecting me and I found the baby wearing the clothes I had bought. Oh, the shame on their faces.

When I brought the clothes, some relatives would be angry with me for not buying them what they had specifically asked for.

I remember at one time bringing suitcases of clothes to Zimbabwe in which I was threatened, cursed and attacked for.

When I chose not to return to nursing and be a full time mother to my children, I faced the wrath of the relatives who were used to my monthly allowances. If anything they started to resent my children as they saw them as the reason why they were no longer receiving much money from me.

I brought another relative to the UK, sent them the documents they needed and again today they are my greatest enemy.

I have made sacrifices and crossed oceans for people who would never jump a puddle for me.

One day, a young woman who was a relative came to me asking for relationship advice. She had no legal papers in the UK and was dating a European man. Her problem was that the man was not committing and even though he knew that she was illegal in the UK, he wasn’t willing to marry her and help her out.

I told her to put her ego aside and tell the man straight that she needed the marriage so she could get her indefinite stay in the UK. She went and did all I had told her, the next day she was engaged.

The last day I ever spoke to her she told me that she had done everything I told her, ‘The wedding will be next month, you will be the first to get an invite Jean’, she told me.

To cut the long story short, I saw the wedding pictures on Facebook. She never spoke to me again even though the advice I gave her changed her life.

Again I once introduced a friend to one of my relatives after she had been cruelly dumped by her boyfriend.  They went on to get married. To cut the long story short, shes the kind of person who would push me off a cliff if I was falling instead of giving me her helping hand.

So a few years ago I made a decision to stop being too kind for my own good. I have gone out of my way to create life changing breakthroughs for people who will never even celebrate my success.

Some people are like parasites in your life. They may be blood relations but they will be like blood sucking vampires instead, sucking life from you and will drain you and bleed you dry without mercy.

Its good to be kind, but when your kindness becomes your greatest weakness and you became a victim of it, its time to stop.

Sometimes its okay to be a little selfish. Sometimes its okay to put yourself first.

One of my English friends taught me this vital life lesson, she would see how much I was being painfully drained by everyone around me, always trying to help anything and anyone no matter what position I was in. The words, ‘no I can’t’ never existed in my vocabulary.

She would say to me, ‘Jean, you have to look after yourself and be kind to yourself first’.

When I chose to cut off these toxic people from my life and concentrate on my children alone, I saw myself excelling and reaching heights I had never reached before.

I was that kind of person who would always put other people first, unfortunately  to my own peril and that of my children. My well-being and that of my children suffered greatly by me being too kind.

I once left my one year old baby for two weeks with ex in-laws who were not fit to look after my baby but I sacrificed my baby’s well being to fly to Africa to help an ill close relation. Today that relation will never even jump a puddle for me.

I will never again take the portion of my children and and give it to ungrateful ‘relatives’.

I do not help my relatives back in Zimbabwe, I have learnt this the hard way.

I am very careful on who I help and how I help

I do not send aid or money to relatives.

My priority in life is my children and my children alone.

If I am to help, I would rather help orphans and suffering people who do not have the capacity to be spiteful to me and stab me in the back.

If anything I am thankful for the vital life lessons each of these ‘relatives’ taught me.

Love can never be bought by money. If people are meant to love you, they will appreciate and love you even when you have never given them anything.

I do not care what bible verses I will be threatened with, kindness doesn’t always pay, more times we suffer awfully for it if we extend our acts of kindness to the wrong people.

I do not expect anything in return for my kindness, but I am not going to be kind to be taken advantage of. 

For that reason I have stopped being kind to relatives.

You can visit Jean Gasho’s blog: Just Jean 

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  • I am in the same situation also,but now I told myself I will not help anyone.

    • wen you help people don expect the favour back , only God will reward you

    • Nelia

      She has a bitter heart…..sorry jean hako……..However, I once read one of your stories criticising Olinder kuti she spilled her beans on public….hope you are not doing the same. Some things are too private askana….no need to share on public space.

  • I experienced this and l understand you very well.

    • Harare North[UK]

      Well done Jean Gosho well explained but this comes in 2 ways relatives back home they contribute for your initial airr tickets kubata nidza batanidza surely there is noway you canforget about them when they put their hands together ana sekuru ana babamunini vakwasha for you to board that Virgine Ailines so its in 2ways yes some are problems like you said I agree I give you my example sekuru veva zukuru did everything kuroodza mwana we hanzvadzi anga akasiwa pamba ne sistez yangu she went ku UK in 2006 i think from then no calls nothing but if there is a family berievment from her husbands side my wife takes the responsibiity sa mbuya do they care both husband and wife no so we have stoped also to be nice people back home so we need each other home and away.but if thinks she is Queen and King then be it

      • Harare North[UK]

        Recently got a wats app after 5 years hanzi sekuru tifambireio stand yedu yeku Snake Park after all no fone calls since then so it happens I happy for you Gene the truth be said hama dzino netsawo but look at my side ndiri hama but never asked a cent from them but i contributed from my salary kuti akwire Virging iyoyo by then it was AIr Zimbabwe ya iya ya 10.00 that would land in the UK LLWG NA 8AM so such is life

  • True very true the same people you help are your worst enemies.

  • Spot on my sister

  • So true

  • I feel you my sister

  • Facts are always staborn but the truth is, your biggest enemy is the one whom you shows your kindness, how nice you are and help most especially your relative.

  • Too kind too nice people sees you like a fool.

  • If you realise the phrase that a man is a self-serving entity you start to have a good picture of everything. You even start to see why even everybody is complaining about bad relatives

  • True

  • True

  • kumama brain kusiya godzva mumusoro,hukama hawupisikwe

  • Jean I commend you and understand exactly what you mean.You are now right to put yourself and your children first and foremost.Just remember the more you give and do for others the more they want.Good luck my friend and look after your beautiful family and stop worrying about what others think or say .

  • Have u ever thought that maybe u have all that u have so that u can help others……you r blesssed to be a blessing to others…never tire of doing good

  • True

  • no reason 2 stop

  • Munhu anaka nganwa seGunguwo. Uchiri kuyamura vachiuchira unenge uchiremekedza kanausisina unenge wakutosekwa kuitwa benzi chairo vanhu vanakanganwa zvisinei Meari vange vaive pesepauri ndo muchengeti wedu

  • Wannetsa

    This Gasho has deep issues..BIG ONES .Its not the first time we read about your whining.Find Jesus and you will have the answers you are looking for

    • Joji

      Fukk your stupid jesus nonsense !

      • Nelia

        Jesus is not Stupid

  • Pple are like that u are not wrong dear u hv done enough

  • Jean tirikukupa 48hrs

  • tintin

    I agree even some friends are like parasites you just have to say no and keep it moving.

  • Mary Nyamayaro Eunice Nyamayaro

  • You have done your best don’t worry God will answer and show them you are right,just keep on praying,that’s what people do.

  • It happens and instead of getting an appreciation you are made to suffer

  • Ipa vatorwa

    • Same fanana. If pple dont appreciate what u do or how u help,it doesnt matter kuti ndiani wawabatsira

  • Murume Mukuru

    I help where there is need, especially life changing assistance like school fees. Izvi zvekutengerana ma designer clothes manyemwe chaiwo. Buying acceptance will not get you anywhere….at least you have realised it finally. They say wisdom comes with age, wakura manje.

  • Uyu weconfusion dzakewo uyu. Akamboti she’s nolonger Zimbabwean, akamboti akarepwa and now zvaazvimwewo.

  • chiendambuya

    Though this will resonate with many people in diaspora or not..I think when helping anyone never expect gratitude to the level of reversing your ever good intentions. God will always bless a giver…regardless of tank you or not

  • mapuwei madzihwa

    People in Zimbabwe will give u a wrong picture and Zim and will NEVER BE SATISFIED and are not are shame of themselves. If u go back to Zim like Zuze they are the first to laugh are u.Build your life bururu

  • Ko mukaka uripanze Uyo is it because of your family? Ukuziyembula amakwapha. Good deeds are known and noted by God not pa F/B. What does this help you? Zero Zero apa!

  • Shasha

    Sometimes the person you would take a bullet for would be the one pulling the trigger..munhu munhu

  • True

  • Rega iwe ihama dzako dzinongo suffer isu vamwe we will help family no matter what.

    • Its not that bad, but u will learn something as time goes on

    • Obert Mukaro I have been doing it for a long time, I believe am even older than that girl I know better. I will not allow my relatives to go hungry when I am able to help. The rewarder of it all is God. The problem is we expect people we have helped to be good to us by returning the favour which is wrong. When you do it yoy are doing it for God not men.

      • Harare North[UK]

        Ah iwe if you dont have anything to say just kool

    • Yeah, l like that line if thinking Gideon Tafadzwa Zamimba. God bless.

    • good thinking Gideon Tafadzwa

    • George

      Pamwe you are lucky to have decent relatives – isu vamwe we have vultures for relatives. You have to be careful.

  • Just remember that helping is not investing. Don’t expect a return on investment or to profit from that good deed.

    Helping is charity

    Thing is we expect that those we helped should forever be indebted to us, or derive quantifiable benefit from them

    How about those that helped you when you were in those struggling situations, are you forever indebted to them ? Don’t make us believe you never got any help from any living person

    But deciding to help is a choice, like donating else you will be lending assistance with the expectation of recouping

    It’s like people who “assist” or help a woman in real need but expect some benefits or favors to accrue from that helping hand – well that’s not helping – that’s business, that’s investing, that’s trading for profit! So you could say my investments did not make profit, charity or donating help must have no expectation of a return but we have a mentality of saying “it’s me who helped her , now she doesn’t even say hello”

  • Flamelily

    Your last article was about you no longer wanting to be a Zimbabwean. If your logic was correct why are you still interested in addressing the Zimbabwean constituency that you so loathe. You seem hell bent on alienating your country and relatives with your “woe is me attitude.”

  • Thats true , i suffered the same in the hands of the creatures i call my relatives

  • Thats true , i suffered the same in the hands of the creatures i call my relatives

  • The reason why you feel like that is your help had some strings attached.lf it was mere genuine help you wouldn’t complain like that.God does everything for us but are we perfect? If you decide not to help anyone just stop but believe you me,a situation will arise when you will need help and get help from the least expected.You will be humbled.

    • I don’t agree with you! Did you understand her story? Please read it again 😜

    • Milton l read her story well and understood but l also urge you to read Edmore’s response and understand it.

  • People teaching each other selfishness. Ngeke. I was helped by others to where I am today. I won’t forget

  • Raymond Phillips

    Vakajaidzwa vapedza vobva vakuberekesa wosvika uchidzingwa basa ….havawane kana cent rangu …mai vangu chete ndovandochengeta …kungoenda KuZimbabwe u have to bring them something yet u come back nema 1000 of spiritual attacks

  • Exercise some wisdom sista. …..

  • Grace

    “….when I fall they rejoice the loudest. When I rise they hurt the most…..”
    That line Jean resonates powerfully with multitudes. Thanks Jin. The voice of the voiceless. That’s why uriwepamoyo pangu diya wangu.

  • You are not kind to a person but to God.

  • And that is always the case. Even Jesus himself was crucified for being kind n humble.

  • Rega iwe hama dzacho ndedzako after all.isu we wont stop.

  • Nicholas Musinga check this out, sooo true aye!

  • Feed a dog for 3 days, it will remember you for 3 years.Feed a Human being for 3 years, they will remember you for 3 days.Thats how we are created.Sad but true.

  • I’m sure those in diaspora understand what this woman is talking about!

    • why diaspora when this can happen to anyone no matter you are

    • They understand what she is talking

    • apana zvokuti those in diaspora understand her better.dambudziko munobatsira vanhu muchida kupembedzwa. if you helping from the bottom of your heart jus keep in mind that God will remember you and reward you for the good things you did. don’t help someone and expect the favour back, kana une mafungiro akadai gara waregera kubatsira zvamuchose.

    • Archwell Tafrei where are you brother? You comment tells me that you are in Zim n you’ve never tried to get out of the country, true?😂🤣😜👍👆. The other question is, did you read n understand what this woman wrote? I hope you did just rush to comment, which is a disease among many Zimboz😂🤣😜, Read and understand first then comment later

    • Archwell Tafrei well said

  • chipfeka juzi mukaka uripanze unokora nechando uyo

  • It is written in the bible
    Matthew 6 vs 2, 3, & 4.
    ACTS 20 vs 35.

  • Do not tire in doing good ,u shall reap a reward in due season

  • Abuse of kindness.Common phenominum in Zim.

  • Edmore Makore , go through the story and understand it.

  • Its true! Ndakazvionawo ini, especially in 2008.

  • When you do an act of kindness, do it from the bottom of your heart, and do not expect anything in return, coz the person you are being kind to is totally different from you. God will reward you for being good to others.

  • Very sad indeed. I agree with you that make a good calculation before giving out. The greatest mistake is not what you used to do, but it is in cursing biblical advice. Matthew 6:3
    New International Version
    But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing,

  • Do not make a follow-up on the assistance u provided. U get frustrated. If u assist, expect nothing in return

  • If you help someone just help.If you see that they are not grateful just stop and don’t even mention it.Life is like that if you fail to understand it you will die early because of stress.God bless the hand that gives

  • Very true but dont give up my sis for the sake of others who are grateful

  • If it gives you more pain than happiness then its worth quiting

  • Its only God who is faithful to the last point. People are people, they are not God. Vanhu vanoshanduka. So when helping expect to be rewarded by God. Zhakata akazoimba akati “munhu anopandukira Mwari akamusika, kokuzoti inini zvangu” ……. kureva kuti kana munhu asingaremekedzi Musiki wake dont expect to be respected neither.

  • dambudziko vanhu tinobatsira tichida kuzopembedzwa.usaita munhu muranda nekuti wakambomubatsira. i think this woman is misled, if she really have issues with her family she must sit down with them and solve the issues than posting all that trash on media. if you help someone don’t expect the favour back, you are doing it for God not for men and only God will remember and reward you one day.

  • I don’t think it’s about expecting something in return per se. Asi kana munhu asingagone kungoti thank you then haaaa ngaashandisewo ake mawoko

  • Hanzi vans vangu vavengwa nekuti they are seen as the people who are blocking ma parcels nemari zvaisimbotumirwa…..ndookuita sei ikoko? Vana vatadzei and how is she misguided on that one?

  • Cry my beloved country, Jean you need to to realise that if you have nothing positive to share then it might be best to keep off social media till you feel a little better,,,much like those we discourage from drinking and driving. I am not one that is easily swayed by other peoples opinions but having read a few of your articles l have been on a quest to find out what makes you want to be an author or simply why you put out such articles? Surely the world we live in in today is not the one we grew up in and the same self hate gospel you preach about is the same that these so-called relatives feed on. There is no good that can come out of some of the things that you write about. I could have been mistaken but from the comments you got from the article you wrote about your dad, it was almost as if you felt proud to be your fathers daughter. You might not have glorified that he was a perfect man but that he tried to be a good man and that he was loved by many. One cannot stop thriving to be good because you encountered a few bad turns,,, and as a lot on this platform have mentioned, acting kind and being kind are two different things as the results of such will definitely define which is which. I am not trying to define the type of person you are but surely as an author of content there has to be a bigger picture. The fact that there is always a reader to your articles means that you have some level of influence so dont make the mistake of defining your children into your negative way of thinking as they have a future that will outlive yours of which l urge you as a parent to leave them that room to decide on who they choose to be.

  • just be good, do not waste your time showing it or proving it!! #Tina_quotes_2017

  • True . I must not expect any material things in return but good behaviour. Have u noticed that if u refer someone for a job/work and he behaves well , your name gets credit? Refer someone, he/she is cought in action stealing and no pay, then he/she will come to ask for the unpaid wages from u and blame u for his bad behaviour.( “Go and tell your boss I want my money ” ) I don’t expect this at all . Some will go to an extent of fighting u and force u to give them their unpaid wages . In short, u refer, they steal and disappear and then blem u for their bad behaviour. Sht happens!

  • Realist

    I think that people in Zim don’t realise that a £ is now sometimes 1.20 or 1.18 of the dollar used in Zimbabwe. In their subconscious they think it’s may be £1 to 100 of the dollar used in zimbabwe like zim dollar. So if you gave some one some thing worth 100 dollars so they think it’s maybe £1 or less which does not require so much thank. It’s like him giving out a 10 cents .In fact they think it’s too little.My cousin once phoned me and asked for money and I asked how much and he said $3000. My aunt asked me to pay school fees for a grand daughter former multiracial school to cost $1000 a term. I am not doing the professional job I was doing in Zimbabwe I.made it clear to them but look at these figures. So sister you can’t win this one. I agree we should be Job but problem is if you fall on hard days of course you can like George Best Michael Jackson they will laugh at you.

  • i m beggining to see why this Gasho was almost sent to a mental institution .There is a loose wire somewhere in your head

  • Am ryt in your shoes dearest am feeling your pain ryt now

  • How do u judge your kindness? True expect no returns it off helping! Otherwise u water your time. For real it’s charity!

  • You were expecting something from them right?

  • Clearly Zimbabweans are not a problem, neither are you and your working in the UK. From your story YOUR RELATIVES are the problem. I would suggest you sort yourself out with them outside the media and stop suggesting to people that all their relatives become a problem once one leaves Zim to work in another country.

  • I feel you i know exactly what u are talking of !!!!

  • Do not give up.

  • Poverty is the main problem. There is no funding for social services, very little is being done to improve people’s lives.

  • Stop being kind to them n see if they will suffer. There suffering coz u wr giving them, now that u have stopped God is opening new n better avenues for them

  • saka unopa kuda kutendwa ere? u want smthng in return? thn dnt give bcz hausikupa nemwoyo wese

  • Inga ma1.saka ndimi munonzi nehama dzirikuno kuZimbabwe:ndine ndongi rangu ririkuLondon

  • Ummmmm pkp

  • Sad

    Thank you for telling us that you have- and have stopped helping your parasitic relatives. We also make decisions about our relations, and our relations make decisions about us, but we just don’t the whole world about it.

  • Mina Makoti

    Unofunga kuti Bhaibheri rakati weunodya naye mundiro ndiye uchakutengesa rainyepa here? Ask anybody in the diaspora. Similar stories galore. Ihama dzedu dzetinobasira. Never expect them to reward you. Asi Denga rinoona.
    Zvino chinzwa Jean (and others like her), when you provided for them, vaiti hazviperi and did not care. Now, you have folded your arms, but the situation at home continues to worsen. Their need is fast becoming real!
    Vakuru vaizoti hama dzakatsiye bako, iyo mvura ichade kunaya. Others would say hama dzaka tuka nyamukuta ivo vachade kuzvara. Many lessons woven in our Shona language.
    Mira uone. Hakuna anoziva kuti nhamo yemuZimbabwe ichaguma rini, uye sei. Vese vaikurwadzisa have deeper and more serious needs. Vese whom you helped to get settled in the UK vachauya zvavo asking for help of some kind or other. It may not be soon, but mark my words.
    Just stay put knowing you did what you could when you could. BUT! Bear in mind they will need more help pamberi apo.
    Just live your life. How you live your life will also shape your future, mind you!

  • DontLieToUs

    Spot on sister, i think at some point we need to limit our help and realise that we being taken for a ride. It hurts but its necessary

    • Harare North[UK]

      KKKKKKKKKKKKKK Dhongi rangu riri ku London well said some are trying to bash Gene for no reason its true tiri kuzvinzwa Dhongi eangu riri ku Harare North shame

  • Cde Rex

    Does Jean still have any friends or relatives. She did a Lameck and scolded her former mother-in-law, her children’s grandmother. Then she told us she is no longer Zimbabwean and feels more loved by her new Ghanaian in-laws & her acquired British citizenship. Now she is telling us she has turned her back on her relatives in Zimbabwe. All we ever hear is so & so did this to me, bitter memories and rejection of her past. Jean has all the traits of a person suffering from NPD, narcissistic personality disorder whose symptoms include; exaggerated feelings of self-importance, excessive need for admiration, & a lack of understanding of others feelings. If Jean could scrub the Zimbabwean out of herself I am very sure she would have done so by now, but because of her love for validation she returns to the very same people she despises to seek an audience. There is always two sides to any story and various interpretations to every action. Do we do good in order to be rewarded or do we do good because it’s the right thing to do? Where is your Christian charity since you advocate that you are God fearing. We have all felt used by relatives and friends but we do not go onto social media and pontificate about it let alone reject our family and heritage.

    • Mina Makoti

      What goes around comes around. Kana tarwadziwa, vamwe vanoridza mhere. Vamwe vano shiwirira. Asi kurwadziwa, kurwadziwa.

    • Cheziya

      Pachishona tinoti vanhu vakadayi panechamugara. She needs help big time, we are watching a train crash in slow motion. I know people back home can sometimes expect too much, but if one is honest enough to say this is what I can afford or your needs are not a priority and explain why then vanhu understand (even though they might be unhappy with what you are telling them). Some people in the diaspora invite this upon themselves by wanting to compete with the so & so’s and to be seen as being successful when in actual fact they are struggling to make ends meet. Zvinowakikwa izvi, it’s no big deal to shout about. People should just be honest with family and tell it as it is not to stand on a soap box shouting to he world.

  • Constance

    Jean gara pasi……..unongo chema chema everyday. Stop playing the victim here. You are nasty piece of work…everyday me, me, me, me. I doubt you have anybody left from your family who really cares about you. You act like a spoilt child and you are even worse that Olinda crying after gifts she gave a lover. Gerra rarra here manhi.

    • Chapomba

      You had me laughing……you nailed it.

  • job bhutsu

    Its not zimbabweans that are a problem, its your family

  • Mwendamberi

    victim syndrome