By Bishop Lazarus
“Two things are infinite. The universe and human stupidity. . .and I’m not so sure about the universe,” German-born theoretical physicist Albert Einstein once said.
Let’s laugh a bit this week. Where do we start? Minister Kembo Mohadi and that white cloth? And of course, the promised crown! Kikikikikiki! TB Joshua and his Hillary Clinton prophecy? Kikikikiki! Donald Trump and the local opposition?
It’s as if we don’t know that capitalism and labour don’t mix. Kikikikiki!
Then the factional lawsuits? I am planning to sue myself. I cant be left out. It’s the new craze in town. Kikikikiki!
Someone said: “Some people create their own storms, then get upset when it rains.” Hope you get the drift vanhu vamwari. Indeed, life is a performance and as Ashleigh Brilliant would put it, it’s unfortunate we are never given a chance to rehearse this performance.
This week, let’s loosen up a bit. Even the Lord had time for some laughter. Remember Psalm 37 vs 13: “But the Lord laughs at the wicked, for he sees that his day is coming.”
So who are we, vanhu venyama not to laugh a little? Unlike the Lord, we are not laughing at the wicked. We are laughing at the desperados in our midst whose actions are confirming that indeed the days of the Lord are coming.
Our Minister of State Security, Kembo Mohadi was at it this past week. A whole Minister of State Security kutambiswa pfungwa nekamwana kepa Malawi Shepherd Bushiri.
Kikikikikikiki! Aaahhh, Minister wematsegu ese muZimbabwe? So it’s true that desperation breeds gullibility?
No wonder why Keith Henson rhetorically asked: “Could people be trained to be less gullible? Or are you stuck with gullibility as you are with skin colour?”
For those not in the know, Minister Mohadi was caught live on video camera at one of Bushiri’s supposed sermons. Imi vanhu, that giant Minister, kuita kuwota chaiko, kamupfana kepaMalawi kachihumana. I know some of you are already saying Bishop Lazarus is being jealous of the young Bushiri, but read the transcription below from that video and make your own judgment.
Bushiri: I am seeing arrows against you, but none of them shall prosper. I am seeing someone holding a spear, targeting at that man. This man is visiting all these witchdoctors and you have gone through a lot but God has been protecting you.
Minister Mohadi: Thank you.
Bushuri: And I am seeing you going higher and higher. Nothing bad will happen to you.
Minister Mohadi: I receive, I receive!
Bushiri: I am seeing promotion coming your way.
Minister Mohadi: I receive, I receive.
Bushiri: I am seeing a crown on your head.
Minister Mohadi: I receive, I receive!
Bushiri: I am seeing the spiritual hand. People trying to sit down. And I am seeing someone from Chitungwiza. Do you know of a place called Chitungwiza?
Minister Mohadi: Yes.
Bushiri: Do you know a place called Chitungwiza?
Minister Mohadi: I know it man of God. I know it.
Bushiri: Do you know a place called Borrowdale? Borrowdale? Borrowdale?
Minister Mohadi: (sounding a bit lost) Borrowdale, yes I know the place.
Bushiri: You know the place. I am seeing people from Borrowdale, two people, driving to Chitungwiza meeting a witchdoctor. And they were told whenever you step, remove the soil and kill this man. And all of a sudden you have these crazy things moving in your body. All these attacks and sometimes you feel like sand in your eyes.
Minister Mohadi: That’s true, man of God.
Bushiri: But listen to me, there is a shield of fire from heaven that surrounds you.
Minister Mohadi: Thank you man of God. Thank you. Thank you man of God.
Bushiri: People are hating you because of your position. Your position. How can this man be a Minister of State Security? How can this man be in this position? But the hand of God is with you. Will protect you and defend you.
Minister Mohadi: I thank you.
Bushiri: I am seeing you are trying to build something, to develop something, but there is a financial problem.
Minister Mohadi: That’s true man of God.
Bushiri: When you leave here, there would be a financial door and you gonna finish that project. I am seeing money coming to you, money coming to you.
Minister Mohadi: I believe man of God.
Bushiri: (handing over white cloth to Minister Mohadi).This is my gift to you. (Minister Mohadi bows down his head in gratitude). Anytime you feel something happening around you, use that handkerchief to pray. Hold it in your hand and pray. Miracles will happen to you.
Minister Mohadi: I thank you. Thank you man of God.
Bushiri: Are you working at the moment?
Minister Mohadi: Yes.
Bushiri: As a what?
Minister Mohadi: As a Minister of State?
Bushiri: In Zimbabwe?
Minister Mohadi: Yes, in Zimbabwe.
Bushiri: When you leave here, you are gonna meet divine favour that you have never seen.
Minister Mohadi: Thank you man of God.
Bushiri: (shaking hands with Minister Mohadi) Congratulations!
Kikikikikiki, kikikikikikki Minister Mohadi? Uuummmm! Ndiko kwazvasvika uku? Kikikikikikiki!
Let’s try to unpack the conversation above. Did Bushiri say anything new or out of the ordinary? Is there anything prophetic in that conversation that sekuru vangu Matope would not have said vakagara zvavo pasi pemutohwe? These mind games? You are told that some people are after you so that you are always seeing threatening shadows that only Bushiri can exorcise. You are told that you are going higher and higher and that promotion is on the way so that you think Bushiri holds the keys to that “going higher.”
“I see a crown on your head,” Bushiri thundered to which Minister Mohadi responded saying “I receive, I receive.” You receive what Minister Mohadi? The crown? What crown? Kikikikikiki!
You are asked about Chitungwiza and Borrowdale. The idea is to make it appear as if Bushiri didn’t know about these two suburbs and mentioning them is part of the prophecy. Chitungwiza and Borrrowdale of all the places in Zimbabwe? Come on guys.
Again you are told that despite people coming after you, nothing will happen to you. Of course, nothing will happen to you because no one is after you! In fact, no, no, no – someone is actually after you. It’s Bushiri and you better run with that wallet. But Bushiri has a plan. So that you don’t run away with the wallet, you are promised that some financial door will open. Vapfana vakaoma ava!
The mind games get even wittier. Bushiri gives Minister Mohadi the white handkerchief as if to say your survival depends of that piece of cloth. A whole Minister of State Security putting his life on some piece of cloth? “I thank you man of God,” said Minister Mohadi after being handed over the handkerchief. Thank you man of what and for what? Kikikikiki!
Zvimwe zvacho hey? Just punch that name Bushiri on google and see what honest google will say. Someone actually wrote in 2015 after Bushiri had claimed that he can “walk on air” that it’s actually a miracle that some people believe in him.
These little boys and their mind games can make you so open-minded such that your brains fall out. Kusara rangova demhe and wakabata kachira chete. Kikikikiki!
Mumagwaro ebhuku dzvene zvirimo. Matthew 7 vs 15 warns us: “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves.” 1 John 4 vs 1 hammers the same point saying: “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.”
I could quote a thousand more verses from the Bible. For those who say they don’t believe in the Bible, this past week, something very revealing happened to show that these are nothing but mind games by motivational speakers who play around with people’s anxieties, fears, expectations and wishes.
A few days before the US presidential elections, TB Joshua made a prophecy that Hillary Clinton was going to win the elections against Donald Trump. Kikikikiki! Look, there wasn’t anything new about what TB Joshua was saying.
Many people thought Clinton was the obvious winner. It seemed like so, but then Americans don’t like them “mild and chilled.” Barack Obama had taught them a lesson. Americans want their leaders “hot and rough” and so Trump won against the mild and chilled Clinton. TB Joshua was embarrassed. Very, very embarrassed that he quickly deleted this prophecy from his website. You see these guys. All they do is play with people’s desperate minds.
Now, can someone tell me – did Minister Mohadi bring that white handkerchief to the last Politburo meeting?
Did he take it to Cabinet? I hear in recent weeks, Politburo and Cabinet meetings are turning out to be like boxing rings and surely Minister Mohadi would not want to take any chances. Some people from Borrowdale have been going to Chitungwiza to try to kill him. He can’t take chances. Anonokorwa tsoka in Cabinet or Politburo. Kikikikikiki!
There goes my wild imagination again. You bump into Minister Mohadi and you are tempted to ask: “Munako here nhasi?” The Minister obviously asks; “Kayi kacho?” Before bursting into uncontrollable laughter and of course getting ready to bolt to safety you say; “Kachira kaBushiri?” Kikikikikik, kikikikikiki!
The wise words by Samuel Langhorne Clemens, better known as Mark Twain, that American writer keep ringing in my fertile mind: “It’s easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.” Kikikikikikki!
Bishop is out!