Coming to your ZAOGA FIF Church near you this Sunday

By Takah Kapikinyu

Baba Guti “Today we have Mkoma Simba Chikore whom you know well mwana wedu watakarera anotipisa manyemwe! He has a testimony. I have always told you we pray a living God and miracles still happen.

Despite all the challenges, retrenchments occurring in this country those who are faithful to the Lord have found solace and have been blessed abundantly. Mkoma Simba I call you to the altar to testify of the magnificent things the Lord of Ezekiel has done for you!”

Audience, amens and clapping.
“Testify brother”, a voice in the back.
“Mwari waEzekiel”, another in the front.
“Mwari weminana”, chips an overseer next to Guti.
“hamashukrekai shabai mundibai zororororo viral video via mereki naJah, hamshikamshikashika bond change”, someone speaking in tongues.

Simba Chikore clasping his hands, then wipes his face, strokes his goatie, shakes his head and begins, “I would like to thank you all for the prayers and support. This year has been a year of double blessings. First a son born to us in Dubai after doctors here have fled the country, but with the “grace” of God and your prayers we found a way to be in Dubai and had a safe delivery. You saw the baby a few weeks ago patakauya naDoctor Mai.”

Overzealous choir member errupts and starts singing, “What a mighty God we serve, what a mighty,
What a mighty God we serve, what a mighty,
what a mighty God we serve!”

Bishop Guti sways with his head tilted towards the sky as if he is talking to God, he slowly signals the audience to sit and let Simba continue.

Simba, “Today it’s not about the baby, it’s about my job search. Out of 134 candidates they chose me! Me of all 134 intimidating so called experienced candidates, but Mwari waJakob, Mwari waIsaka told the board I want this one, this young man, the bearer of good news “Angel Gabriel” appeared to Dr Chipo Dyanda in a dream and told her there was to be this young man as COO of Air Zimbabwe and it came to pass, it came to be!. Anosimudza marombe kubva muguruva.

If you are sitting in the audience, I want to tell you that today, your prayers will be answered just as mine have been answered!”

Audience errupts in a frenzy and sings,
“Makanaka Jesu,
Makanaka Jesu,
Simudza ruoko rwako uchiti,
Makanaka Jesu!
Nyika ikushore, nyika ikutuke,
Simudza ruoko rwako uchiti,
Makanaka Jesu!”

Simba continues, “It is through your prayers, it is through “grace” that I got this job, I am thankful. We used to charter planes kuenda kuscale in Malaysia, now I am in charge of a fleet of planes, Amazing indeed!

Today I have come forward with my tithe, I will seed my meagre savings to the church knowing i will be rewarded tenthfold as the Bible says. I will seed $1m. I testify to these miracles happening in my own eyes, I see the 2.2 million jobs coming and I am evidence to this with my new job. My brother through prayer got a $200m plus contract to extend Dema power station, God is good. Amen!! Amen!!

Pray without ceasing my brothers and sisters, the God of Ezekiel lives, Amen!!!!!!”

Audience, “Amen!!!!!!!!!!!”

The choir sings, “My God is Gooodwooooooo……, while Simba is embraced by Guti and shakes hands with the elders, puts the check in the offering bowl.

Meanwhile Bona is beaming with joy while holding the baby boy. Behind her are two men in suits and dark glasses looking around the audience. Bona looks at her watch and says to herself, “Ngazvichipera mhani ndoda kuenda kuDubai ini!”

The End.

Takah Kapikinyu is a social and political commentator