Hallelujah, it’s all over!

By Tinashe Kusema

After the calamity that was the National Arts Merit Awards, the bar was set quite low for the Zimbabwe Music Awards.

Everything started normally: Tich Mataz was playing his usual role as host of an awards show and the PO Box guys thought they were funny.

OK, I did catch myself occasionally laughing at the PO Box guys’ jokes, and then saw what I thought to be the first real celebrity of the night, that chick from the movie “Precious”.

Unfortunately, it was only PO Box’s Gonyeti.

And then there was something one can only say was chemistry between host Tich Mataz and his co-host Candice Mwakalyelye.

This time it was real and not an illusion or mirage.

Candice Mwakalyelye should be credited for a job well done as co-host. She was refreshing, engaging, funny and did an all round stand-up job.

Model-cum-musician Vanessa Sibanda was next and she gave a near-perfect Ciara tribute. The choreography, the attire and the oozing sex appeal screamed Ciara.

It was good. But it wasn’t Zimbabwean in any way. And I still do not know what the deal with the dollar notes at the end of her performance were all about?

The best moment was, of course, when Killer T won his well-deserved Best Zim Dancehall Artiste Award. However, in the end all the attention went to Winky D and “Disappear”.

The highlight of the night for me was Winky D’s loser face when Killer T’s name was called out; kudos to the mystery camera person who captured that moment.

Three days after the Zimas, I tuned in to watch the 88th Academy Awards. Here, there was no hint of normalcy, with everything out of sync.

Chris Rock, who is reputed for making “sticking it to the man” fashionable, was a sell-out. As host of the Oscars, Rock pranced around the stage, like a good little coconut, trivialising and making fun of the #OscarSoWhite Movement.

If his aim was to make people uncomfortable then congratulations to him.

He insulted and made fun of Jada Pinkett-Smith with one of the lamest and classless jokes in Oscars history: “Jada boycotting the Oscars is like me boycotting Rihanna’s panties … I wasn’t invited.”

Rock targeted Asians, roped in his kids and lampooned some of the films that were ignored by the Oscars during his night of tasteless gags.

Sam Smith won an award for composing arguably the worst James Bond theme song in the entire history of the franchise. And oh, Leonardo Di Caprio, graduated from being a perennial nominee into a fully-fledged Oscar winner.

Kudos man!

The icing on the cake for me during this weird sequence of out-of-body experiences was Stacy Dash.

For those not in the know, once upon a time, Dash, apart from being the star everybody thought was hot, starred in two films of note in the ‘90s – “Clueless” and the Wayans Brother’s “Mo Money”.

When she finally realised that she could not act, she became a blogger and after looking up her name I discovered her most recent contribution to humanity is denouncing her blackness, slamming Barack Obama and Black History Month.

During her forgettable and hopefully last Oscar appearance she brought all these things into play during her lame, incoherent and almost drunk gag.

Thank heavens the awards season is over!