Jesus shows up in Bulawayo

[Satire] ilizwi263 resident lunatic, Lunias Filtered is hurling abuse at the moon. And rambling about Jesus in Bulawayo…

The local press is calling it ‘the most significant event since our independence’, after Jesus Christ revealed himself in the second capital of the Democratic Sovereign Republic of Zimbabwe.

Jesus drinks mysterious beverage

Jesus was initially spotted in a restaurant where he raised a spectre, drinking wine in a water glass. The manager of the establishment confronted his staff over why the gentleman in a dress was imbibing out of an inappropriate vessel; to which the waitress who had been serving him confided that he had simply asked for tap water and whatever was in the glass had been smuggled into the establishment.

The miracle

The manager then accosted the man in a dress, who according to witnesses, looked like a son of ISIS and Osama bin Laden (a character killed by Obama) with his beard and unruly hair. He left when asked to, but was quickly called back in after he was seen walking across a pothole filled with rainwater.

From there it did not take long to establish that the son of God was in the building. Asked why he had chosen Africa; Jesus said, “I am suing the white people for defamation so I can’t be seen in Europe. The Arabs tried to kill me as a baby, and almost succeeded when I was a man, we ran off to Africa, my family and I, and I feel I have a debt to repay.” However, sources close to him revealed that Jesus was not so eager to return to his homeland because he is a wanted man; the warrant for his arrest is still pending.

The warrant as has been largely popularised, was issued by the colonial regime for Jesus, who (according to the colonial narratives) was wanted for miscellaneous crimes, including sedition, treason and ‘blatant intend to overthrow the state’. He miraculously survived execution, and until recently was thought to have escaped to the sky.

The rebel

As one of the most famous rebels of all time, yes, better than Jesse James and Che Guevara, some rogue elements with bitter qualms and serious intent to overthrow the sovereign regime of Robert Mugabe asked Jesus for pointers.

He responded, “I don’t know how you put up with this sh*t, and I don’t understand how you can allow him to leave the throne to his wife. Where I come from, women should not only keep their mouths shut but also covered.”

Naturally, feminists were not pleased with the Christ’s utterance, and one of the women who were crowding around him eager to sample his ‘holy waters’ flipped and insulted, “I guess you are fine sticking it into with those two holey hands tonight”.

Jesus was unfazed by these remarks, however, due to the insensitive nature of his retorts; taking into account the gender sensitive climate of the period, we will not print them. We will publish this quote instead:

“During one supper, I told those around me that the time to pawn their coats for swords had come; maybe you should not be hanging onto yours in this heat.”

Heat wave

This writer then smiled, and asked him about the weather: “I don’t know how you guys are surviving this sh*t. I’m burning up in here…and I come from the desert. Sweet mother of Christ! It’s so hot your f***ing fish are drinking water; Goddamn!”

This article was initially published on ilizwi263 a platform for Zimbabweans to share their views