She left, so can you: Tendo Shares

By Rutendo Tapiwa Chigudu

Women and children are often in grave danger in the one place where they should feel the safest: within the home. This danger is posed largely by family members such as husbands/partners, parents, relatives as well as familiar people such as the hired help, family friends, neighbours and teachers.

In the introductory article, I stated that I will speak up against domestic violence and I will write about it given half a platform. I am not here to make friends, although that would be welcome. I am not here to destroy any marriages or relationships although that might happen when someone has been encouraged enough to walk out on an abuser.

This platform is not to entertain but to inform, educate, share experiences and advice, encourage someone and to encourage dialogue surrounding the issue of women’s rights. The dialogue should lead to change in action and ultimately give me and people like me rest where issues of women rights’ campaigning and advocacy is involved.

I have publicly declared that I am a feminist and I will not take that back. If anything, I will say it on any and every platform I can get and as well as create for myself. I made a conscious decision to go public with my story in the hope that it could help someone. I have said it before and I will say it again categorically that I do not seek popularity, rather relevance.

When one decides to go public with their story one ought to expect a lot of diverse reactions. And to be honest most of the reactions the introductory article received just blew me away.

A lot of women came up wanting to share their stories, a lot of men came up wanting to know more about abuse, some people did not believe some of what I hinted at, some people felt I was threatening their marriages by advocating for divorce, some even went so far as to call me names but I live to write another article.

This particular column is not for you but for each woman who is/ has been in an abusive situation/ relationship. I had wanted to share from my own life but I felt it important to salute one particular woman, who has been to hell, ran through it kicking and screaming, came out of it and is here to celebrate each breath that she takes.

Betty Downs is a proud grandmother of four lovely girls but there is very little that is lovely about the life she has lived up until a few years ago. She was raped by her own father at the tender age of nine and she did not tell anyone about this. She thus grew up with a festering wound and a mark that another abuser would soon home in on.

Already a fragile child and co-parent to her siblings, Betty got married just as she entered her teens to a man who would drag her to hell and try and kill her, literally. Her marriage carries with it souvenirs; 3 broke noses, a fractured jaw and skull, memories of being beaten until she could not walk as well as being raped by her own husband and she has had to have her smile fixed by a program called Give back a smile.

Betty’s story reads like something from my overactive and creative mind yet she is very real. She lives in the United States of America. She is just about middle age and is yet another survivor of domestic violence and sadly, also a statistic. She shares her story so openly because her only regret is that she did not get out of the relationship sooner.

Her husband threatened to kill her if she ever left and I am sure she must have thought that if he could do this much damage to her when he was not trying to kill her, how much more would she suffer when he decided to kill her. All along, she could have stomached anything from this man until he almost beat his own daughter to death over homework!

Seriously, over homework! This proved to be the straw that broke the camel’s back and Betty somehow found the strength and courage to leave. She currently has several restraining orders against him and has been rebuilding her life for almost eighteen years now.

I salute this woman because she found the strength to walk after having been in this vicious cycle of marriage for about fifteen years. She bore all this abuse for so long yet when her time to leave came, she left. Remember, she regrets not having left sooner.

Here is a woman who has gone through all sorts of abuse there is to be borne and yet she stands up tall today. She loves her daughters and her grandchildren. Had she been someone else, she could have been bitter and lonely or even be suffering from some mental breakdown or some sort of post trauma distress/ disorder yet she has refused to let all that she has been through get her down.

On a very chilling thought, she could have been one of those women we read about in the newspapers, who either murdered their spouses (because the abuse had become unbearable) or she could have committed suicide or even been killed by this man.

At one point, in Zimbabwe, statistics indicated that sixty percent (60%) of murder cases in the high court were from domestic violence cases. Much as you might argue about what that percentage translates to in numbers, to me it means those are six people out of ten who died needlessly!

Across the globe, trends reveal that domestic violence usually, but not always, end in death of either the abuser or the victim.

Alarmingly, research has shown that between 20- 50% of women have experienced some form of physical violence from an intimate partner or family member. However, cultural practices and norms have denied full access to information because most forms of violence are enshrined within cultural norms such as:

•          child-marriages as is common but not limited in the Apostolic- Masowe religious sects familiar within Zimbabwe and southern Africa.

•          wife beating  as is defended in religions such as is done by the Islamic Qur’an (4:34) – “Men are the maintainers of women because Allah has made some of them to excel others and because they spend out of their property; the good women are therefore obedient, guarding the unseen as Allah has guarded; and (as to) those on whose part you fear desertion, admonish them, and leave them alone in the sleeping-places and beat them; then if they obey you, do not seek a way against them; surely Allah is High, Great.

•          wife beating is also sanctioned under most African cultures as evidenced by the following Yoruba proverb that I am sure has equivalents in many cultures:  “Pa mi nku nse ori kunkun si oko”  which translates to mean ‘It is only a woman who risks being beaten to death that disobeys her husband”

•          the culture of silence is also rampant and helps perpetuate the cycle of violence. In my own Shona culture, there is a saying “Ndezve meso muromo zvinyarare” loosely translating to mean that ‘some matters are merely for the looking upon but not to be talked about’ which is usually what happens when there is violence and abuse going on within marriages. In the Ndebele culture there is the saying “Ezomdeni kazingenwa” which also is loosely translated to mean ‘ don’t intervene in family matters’

I could go on but I am sure by now, I have made a point that needs no further stressing: women are in grave danger, home and away. The family institute is not safe and even the religious one isn’t either, let me not even go into the work place with its sexual harassment and constant looking down on women, never mind the glass ceiling.

So, when a woman defies all that she has been conditioned and socialised into believing and desiring, and decides that she is a human being, just like any other MAN and chooses to define her own happiness on her own terms, I cannot help but rise on my feet and drink to such a bold decision. Hell, I would get drunk toasting her!

Betty Downs, for sharing your story with me and the world, thank you. To someone reading this article and is in an abusive relationship, do not wait until the kids are grown, do not wait until he changes (he might never), do not wait until he starts beating you (he just might get a gun or some weapon and kill you instead), do not pray for God to change him whilst you are still with him this article might be the answer to your prayers.

It is a hard and scary decision to make but believe me you can do it. Everyone else will tell you why you should stay on but only you know what you cannot bear anymore. Be encouraged, find a safe house near you and a new life is awaiting you. Betty Downs is an example and her sharing her story has got to count for something. As we get to explore more, I am going to divulge more from my own life. It can be done. Take courage.

Rutendo Tapiwa Chigudu is an award winning literary and performing artist/feminist who writes for Nehanda Radio.com.